Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Ten Commandments of Society or How Not to Fail at Life

Being a college student and working in retail you meet some interesting folk. Of course by interesting, I mean freaks of nature. These people apparently don't realize some of the unwritten rules that govern everyday life, so I thought I'd throw them a bone, and make a few suggestions...

1. Thou shalt not shout "One Love" at random intervals. You are not Bob Marley, therefore it is not okay.

2. Thou shalt not complain that your coffee is too cold, right after said coffee has burned the barista making it. If it was hot enough to burn someone, it's certainly hot enough for drinking.

3. Thou shalt not insult The Graduate during a film class. Seriously, you're not Speilberg, you're a no-name college student, it's not okay.

4. Thou shalt not romantically gush over someone half your age... it's frickin' creepy and it needs to stop. I'm talking to you middle aged Jo-Bro fans.

5. Thou shalt not refer to every African American person as Morgan Freeman. "Hey, so I saw Madea Goes to Jail, Morgan Freeman was awesome! He should win an oscar." Not okay, unless used in jest.

6. Thou shalt not wear booty shorts and Ugg boots at the same time. Slutty eskimo isn't a good look for anyone.

7. Thou shalt not initiate dating/mating rituals with members of the opposite sex by saying, "You like _______? I like _______! Let's go back to my place!" For example, "You like Journey? I like Journey! Don't stop believin' girl, let's go do the horizontal hula..." Not... okay... ever... FAIL!

8. Thou shalt not compete for the affection of Flava Flav. A man who wears a giant clock, should be well aware that his 15 minutes of fame were up a long time ago.

9. Thou shalt not use Klingon or Elvish in everyday vernacular. This is not Starfleet Academy, and I don't live in Rivendell. I'm a massive nerd too, but stick to the languages of your own species please.

10. Thou shalt not complain about Britney Spears being a bad role model, if you bought her CD for your child. Unless you're Helen Keller, you know that Britney caught the last train to crazy town years ago. So you should know that her music isn't meant for your kids. If you aren't paying attention to what your kids are listening to, that's your problem, not Britney's.

Any infraction of these rules is henceforth punishable with an Awful Waffle.

Paige Wesley


  1. Girlfriend. We are going to have a talk in about 20 years when that generations jo-bro are all that and see what you have to say.


    FYI- AMEN TO #10