Friday, April 30, 2010

Paige's Rant of the Day

Why is it that every time you're hunting around in the bottom of your purse for change for the vending machine, you always come up with 75 cents... and a Chuck E. Cheese token. You don't even know why it's there. It's just taunting you, giving you false hope, the same size and weight as a quarter... but utterly worthless anywhere but the bank of Mr. Charles E. Cheese.

You start thinking to yourself, "Self, how did I even get a Chuck E. Cheese token?" I mean, when was the last time I was even AT Chuck E. Cheese? 1996? Have I been wandering through children's birthday parties in my sleep, slowly stealing their tokens and hiding them in the black hole of my purse next to the gum wrappers in the realm of chapsticks past?

It wouldn't be so weird if it only happened once in a while, but seriously, EVERY time I'm looking for change I find Chuck E. Currency. As if I could play an infinite number of skee ball games if I just kept digging for soda machine change, until finally I had a mountain of equally useless tickets that will only buy me a hamburger phone, two slap bracelets, and a parachute man, when all I really want is a Diet Coke.

Even if you could redeem your tickets for Diet Coke at the prize counter, you know it'd be like 3000 tickets. WHO HAS THAT MANY TICKETS? No one THAT'S WHO! So it would sit, right up there next to Fairy Magic Barbie, mocking you with her tiny waist and glitter wings... I bet she never finds Chuck E. Cheese tokens in her purse. Bitch.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Paige's Favorite Episodes of Stuff

For this spring session at UCLA I'm taking a class on writing half-hour sitcoms and I have to say, it's been a blast. The class is structured like an actual writer's room, we all come in with our ideas and have to pitch them to the group, then we break stories together. This past week was our first pitch meeting for the class, and there were some AWESOME ideas thrown around the table.

Now I can't write about those, since they belong to the people who came up with them... but I can write about some of my favorite episodes on my favorite shows! Enjoy!

The Office - Benjamin Franklin - Season 3 Ep. 15

Synopsis: As Phyllis' wedding approaches, Michael organizes a bachelor party in the warehouse for her husband-to-be Bob Vance, of Vance Refrigeration, while Angela and the Party Planning committee plan a shower for Phyllis upstairs. Michael's long-time friend Todd Packer convinces Michael to hire strippers for both parties, saying it's a Bachelor party tradition. Having never hired a stripper before, Michael passes the task on to Jim and Dwight. Dwight hires a dancer for the Bachelor party, Jim however, calls the Scholastic Speakers of America... and hires Ben Franklin. Hilarity ensues.

Why I Love This Episode: For me it's a close call between this and "The Dundies" as my favorite episode and truth be told I probably love them equally. I think what stands out to me about this episode is the absolute absurdity of the whole situation. I would have LOVED to be in the meeting when someone pitched this episode, I imagine that it was a full 20 minutes or so before everyone stopped laughing and was able to get back to work.

Notable Lines:

Pam: Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons?

30 Rock - Verna - Season 4 Ep.12

Synopsis: Frank and Liz become temporary roommates and decide to help each other kick their bad habits. Unfortunately, some habits die hard, and Liz finds herself dreaming about giving birth to MeatCat, the Cheesy Blasters mascot, as well as eating in her sleep as seen in the clip above.

Why I Love This Episode: This was the hardest show for me to choose from, there are SO MANY good episodes. I chose this one, almost solely for the above clip. "Black Tie" from season one was a close close second, mainly for Paul Reubens and his Ivory hand.

Notable Lines:

MeatCat: I'm what's inside you!

The IT Crowd - The Work Outing - Season 2 Ep. 1

Synopsis: Moss and Roy suspect that Jen's new beau is gay. To prove them wrong, Jen invites them along on her date with him to see a play. To her dismay, the play turns out to be "Gay: A Gay Musical" which only adds to Moss and Roy's suspicions. Things only get worse however, when Roy is caught in the Handicapped bathroom and pretends to be disabled rather than face the embarrassment of his peers.

Why I Love This Episode: It's hard not to love nearly every episode of this show, I think I love this one particularly though because it manages to cram so much chaos into only half an hour. Literally this episode is packed to 30 Rock proportions of total absurdity.

Notable Lines:

Roy: I'm Disabled.
Jen: How did it happen?
Roy: Acid.
Jen: (disbelieving) What are the odds of that?
Roy: Like 1 in 100.

Blackadder - The Queen of Spain's Beard - Season 1 Ep. 4

Synopsis: Blackadder is forced into an arranged marriage with the Infanta Maria of Spain. At first he is excited at the idea of marrying a Spanish princess, but after meeting her and realizing she is not the beauty many have made her out to be, he tries to get out of the engagement. Unfortunately for him, the Infanta falls in love with him at first sight... at least that's what her translator Don Speekinglish says.

Why I Love This Episode: An oldie but a goodie, I'm sure most of my readers have never seen this show, which is sad, but seasons 3 and 4 are on Netflix, which is happy. Basically it's like The Tudors, but funny, with no sex... and no hotness, but it's good! I swear!

Remember that translator I mentioned? I might also mention that he is present throughout the ENTIRE episode, no matter the situation, no matter how hilarious, or... intimate, the translator is there, translating, constantly. Also, the translator is played by Jim Broadbent... Yes, Golden Globe winner, Jim Broadbent.

Notable Lines:

Don Speekinglish: (translator) Hurry, hurry stupid person I want to entwine him again in my broad thighs.

Spongebob Squarepants - The Graveyard Shift - Season 2 Ep. 16

Synopsis: Mr. Krabs decides to make the Krusty Krab a 24 hour restaurant, requiring Squidward and Spongebob to work the Graveyard Shift. Squidward, annoyed by Spongebob's unending optimism, tells him the ghost story of the Hash Slinging Slasher to scare him into silence. Unfortunately, all the warning signs in the story begin to come true.

Why I Love This Episode: It combines some of my favorite things, horror stories, Nosferatu, and invertebrates, but also, it's hilarious.

Notable Lines:

Spongebob: Hey! I'm (insert action here) at night!

Community - Beginner Pottery - Season 1 Ep.19

Synopsis: Jeff takes Beginner Pottery for some easy credit while the rest of the Study Group decides to take Sailing in the parking lot. Distressed by his inability to accel at pottery, Jeff begins to suspect that one of the other students is not quite a "beginner" and breaks the "No Ghosting" rule set up by the teacher.

Why I Love This Episode: Firstly, No Ghosting. Whoever thought that up, is a genius. Secondly, sailing class, on a stationary boat, in the middle of the school parking lot... also genius. Even though it's still only in it's first season, this show has quickly become one of my faves, I am soooo glad it got renewed.

Okay, I know there are TONS more I could list, but right now, it's 5:30 in the AM and therefore, time for me to sleep. My apologies to "Friends" which had so many good episodes I couldn't pick just one :(