Monday, June 29, 2009

Paige Vs. The Camera: European Edition

Okay, so I've been trying to post for 3 days and if it's not internet connectivity issues than it's something else. I promise I have hilarious pictures and ridiculousness to put up, but at the moment, my camera won't upload to my computer and the post wouldn't be complete without it.

So... What you have to look forward to, when I get the camera working, is....

-A photo collection of hilarious signs from throughout Europe. Featuring the Ho Ho House in Wells, Somerset.

-A photo tour of the city where they filmed Hot Fuzz. Including pictures of me standing on the spot of my #5 Favorite Movie Death of all time... no lie.

-Erin trying to wreck my pictures of Stonehenge... and succeeding

-Fun with Billy Shakespeare around Stratford Upon Avon... Fun Fact, Billy Shakespeare... wrote a whole bunch of sonnets. Source: LFO.

Hopefully I'll be able to get a post up when we get back into London next week. Until then, Cheers!


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Paige vs. Boredom: Retail Edition

I'm working over 30 hours this week because they're trying to squeeze all the hours they can out of me before I leave for the UK. What I've realized during these insanely long hours is... there is nothing to do in that frickin' store.

Seriously, I took pricetags off stuff and put new identical ones on, just so I would have something to do. It's not like my apartment where distractions are a dime a dozen...

Oh, so many sweater covered forms...

But I digress, as a result of my intense boredom, I've compiled this list. A list of things to do when you find yourself bored out of your mind whilst toiling part time at a soul sucking retail enterprise.

1. Switch name tags with a co-worker, preferably one of a different gender.

Today I was "Jeff" for approximately 5 hours. Only one person noticed... then I realized he'd only read my name tag whilst staring at my chest. Another fun name game is to change the pronunciation, take this exchange for example...

Customer: Why that is a nice blender, I'll take it. Thank you, (squints and peers at name tag) Paige.

Paige: Actually it's Pa-hay. It's Spanish.

Also feel free to try, "Pa-ee-jay, it's a family name."

2. Look for products with hilarious names or directions.

For those of you playing along at home, yes... that does say "Either thrust slowly or use safety device." I recommend both... when using mandolins.

3. Find the most ridiculous item in the store... and see how many people you can sell it to.

What's that you say? You don't need an avocado slicer? Well, imagine this scenario if you will...

You're driving along with your family trying to peel and pit your avocado with a paring knife. All of a sudden the kids are yellin' from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom Daddy!"

"Not now dammit!"


Here comes the meat wagon! (wee ooo wee ooo wee ooo) The medic gets out and says "Oh My God!" The new guy's over on the corner pukin' his guts out, (barfing sounds). All because you wanted to save a few pennies...

Customer: We'll take two.

Me: Is the receipt in the bag okay?

4. Stare intently at an odd part of a customer's body until they notice...

This is guaranteed to freak people out and it's awesome.

Customer: Is there something on my wrist? You keep staring at it...

Me: (Confused expression)

Customer: I'll take 2 avocado slicers please.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Babymaker 3000

Okay, so Erin was kind enough to introduce me to pretty much the most amazing thing on the internet since yearbooking yourself. At RoutanBabymaker3000 you can combine your picture with anyone... AND MAKE A DIGITAL BABY! It's basically the creepiest digital childthingcreature ever, but it's still amazing. So of course, I decided to see what my kids would look like if they had some famous babydaddies.

SO! Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to vote on the best baby, and give me a heads up on who I should be popping out some kids with, lol.

Christian Bale

Batman anyone? No? How about Aquaman?

Michael Phelps

Now some of you might be saying, "Paige... really? Gorgeous actors and olympic medalists? Let's get a little more realistic here... You're right

Brett Michaels
Say my life takes a drastic turn and I end up on a certain reality show that may or may not take place on a bus with an army of skanks...

Or say I wanted to have a baby with someone who already kind of looks like one...

Michael Cera

Okay, time to get down to some serious business... Future member of Sarmy anyone?

Zachary Quinto

But there's even more awesome where that came from... New Spock, meet Original Spock.

Leonard Nimoy

First of all, let me just say, those are the most amazing mutton chops I've seen in a long time. Secondly... fair is fair.

The Shat

You know what though, there are some problems even Captain Kirk can't solve. I mean, what would he do faced with a plane full of monkey fighting snakes, on a Monday to Friday plane?

Samuel L. Jackson

Now of course, I wouldn't hog all the fun for myself... Here's what the spawn of Merrissa and George Takei would look like...

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Haunted Grocery Store

...or what happens with Merrissa and I go through Heroes withdrawl.

I woke up this morning after by far the most ridiculous dream I've had in a long, long time. So I did what I always do when I have weird dreams... wait for Merrissa to get home from work and recount it in crisp detail. After she and Ricky stopped laughing at me I decided that this dream was weird enough to post. So enjoy! Especially those of you who make guest appearances.

Okay so...

Dusk. In the parking lot of an abandoned Bristol Farms grocery store.

Nick Chavez and I pace around the parking lot amongst a growing crowd of x-men-esque freaks. It becomes quickly apparent that both Nick and I also have powers of our own. Nick has a magic camera... I'm not really sure what was so magic about it, but according to my dream it could totally kick the asses of the forces of evil. I was telekinetic... but for some reason never used my power, apparently I'm the lamest x-man ever.

As we continue to walk Kevin Shore approaches us. Kevin, I have no idea what your power was... but you were snooty about it. Anyway, Kevin comes up and says, "Hey, we're putting together a group to go into the store, we need to get to Sauron before he can finish his plan. We're not entirely sure what's inside, but I think it's probably like Harry Potter with Wizard Chess and stuff."

So Nick, Kevin, and I start assembling a group of people to go inside, trying to pick those with the best powers.

"We should probably find some beefy dudes," I suggested, "Just in case we get inside and our powers don't work, like during the eclipses on Heroes."

"Good thinking, I'll go find some." said Kevin

"Yeah, no powers would suck." said Nick, still snapping pictures of everything with his magic camera.


Nick and I wait around for like ever. No sign of Kevin and beefy dudes to join our expedition into the haunted grocery store. We finally find Kevin sitting around and drinking soda.

"Lame" says I.

"Yeah, whatever happened to, 'we have to get inside the haunted grocery store before the evil lord Sauron destroys the world?'" countered Nick.

"Yeah, I thought about it, and uh... we could die in there! So... no." replied Kevin

Needless to say we decided to leave Kevin behind, as I mentioned before... overall snootiness. But now we're one member short for our expedition team. I look around and spot someone and say, "Hey Nathan! Do you wanna go in the haunted grocery store with us?"

Just then Nathan Petrelli from heroes flies up to join our group.

"Oh cool," I said, "uh, what about your brother Peter... I mean, his power's probably gonna be more useful than flying. When you think about it all you can do is fly out of harm's way, you're not exactly a seasoned fighter..."

"Look, do you want me to come or not?" Nathan said.

"Okay fine," I countered, "but only because we still need people." And with that we all entered the haunted Bristol Farms.

The haunted grocery store was fully stocked, just like an average grocery store only infinitely more sinister. As we traversed the many aisles of overpriced canned goods, we heard a commotion from the front of the store.

"Is there anybody here who can ring me up? I want to buy these peaches!"

I sprinted to the front of the store where a group of cantankerous middle aged women had somehow gotten through the boarded up storefront and had begun shopping.

"Ma'am! Ma'am!" I yelled.

"Are you here to ring me up? It's about dang time!" one of the women said.

"Ma'am, you can't shop here! This store is haunted." I explained.

"Don't you tell me what I can and can't do, I want to see your manager!" she complained.

"We don't have a manager! I don't work here! This place is haunted! Get out while you still can!" I screamed.

"Well, I NEVER! Some people just don't believe in customer service!" and with that the middle aged women sauntered off and continued to wander through the abandoned aisles.


Nick and I sprinted to the back of the store where Nathan was waiting. He lifted a flap and we climbed through into what appeared to be some kind of hydroponic greenhouse thingey. We passed through rows and rows of incubators with all kinds of different plants in them until we finally entered a room resembling a high school locker room.

"Don't touch anything! Especially not the lockers!" Nathan shouted

"Jeez, chill out!" I replied. Right about now I'm wondering why I didn't bother to dream Sylar onto our team. He'd have no problem cracking skulls and he probably wouldn't be such a whiner. Nick is still taking pictures of everything... I'm not sure it's doing us any good. Just as I'm thinking all this... one of the other girls in our expedition team tries to open one of the lockers. She manages to pry the door open before violently vomiting on the floor and convulsing.

"Dammit! What did I tell you about the lockers!" yelled Nathan.

The girl straightens herself and wipes off her chin. "Actually, I feel okay." she said.

"I know! But there's puke everywhere! That's gross!" said Nathan.

"And guess who's gotta clean it up..." the voice came from a dark, shadowy doorway at the other end of the room.


"Who are you? Do you work for Sauron?" I asked.

The figure stepped out of the doorway revealing himself to be a crochety janitor.

"I've been workin' for Sauron for nigh on 30 years! Mean ol' sumbitch!" the janitor answered.

"Uhh... well we were kinda lookin for him. Do you know where he is?" I asked.

"Down the hall, last office on the left." from the janitor.

"You're awfully forthcoming with the secrets of your master the evil overlord..." I said suspiciously, "How do we know this isn't a trap?"

"Master hired me to clean the floors, not to keep secrets. If he wants me to keep secrets he can clean this puke up by his damn self! Vomit lockers, what the hell was he thinkin'? If I gotta clean up puke one more time Imma give that man a piece of my mind, see how he likes a broom instead of a wand..." The janitor trailed off as Nick, Nathan, and I looked at each other.

"Sounds good to me." said Nathan, and with that he scampered out the doorway and down the hall.

And that's when I woke up.