Friday, April 30, 2010

Paige's Rant of the Day

Why is it that every time you're hunting around in the bottom of your purse for change for the vending machine, you always come up with 75 cents... and a Chuck E. Cheese token. You don't even know why it's there. It's just taunting you, giving you false hope, the same size and weight as a quarter... but utterly worthless anywhere but the bank of Mr. Charles E. Cheese.

You start thinking to yourself, "Self, how did I even get a Chuck E. Cheese token?" I mean, when was the last time I was even AT Chuck E. Cheese? 1996? Have I been wandering through children's birthday parties in my sleep, slowly stealing their tokens and hiding them in the black hole of my purse next to the gum wrappers in the realm of chapsticks past?

It wouldn't be so weird if it only happened once in a while, but seriously, EVERY time I'm looking for change I find Chuck E. Currency. As if I could play an infinite number of skee ball games if I just kept digging for soda machine change, until finally I had a mountain of equally useless tickets that will only buy me a hamburger phone, two slap bracelets, and a parachute man, when all I really want is a Diet Coke.

Even if you could redeem your tickets for Diet Coke at the prize counter, you know it'd be like 3000 tickets. WHO HAS THAT MANY TICKETS? No one THAT'S WHO! So it would sit, right up there next to Fairy Magic Barbie, mocking you with her tiny waist and glitter wings... I bet she never finds Chuck E. Cheese tokens in her purse. Bitch.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Paige's Favorite Episodes of Stuff

For this spring session at UCLA I'm taking a class on writing half-hour sitcoms and I have to say, it's been a blast. The class is structured like an actual writer's room, we all come in with our ideas and have to pitch them to the group, then we break stories together. This past week was our first pitch meeting for the class, and there were some AWESOME ideas thrown around the table.

Now I can't write about those, since they belong to the people who came up with them... but I can write about some of my favorite episodes on my favorite shows! Enjoy!

The Office - Benjamin Franklin - Season 3 Ep. 15

Synopsis: As Phyllis' wedding approaches, Michael organizes a bachelor party in the warehouse for her husband-to-be Bob Vance, of Vance Refrigeration, while Angela and the Party Planning committee plan a shower for Phyllis upstairs. Michael's long-time friend Todd Packer convinces Michael to hire strippers for both parties, saying it's a Bachelor party tradition. Having never hired a stripper before, Michael passes the task on to Jim and Dwight. Dwight hires a dancer for the Bachelor party, Jim however, calls the Scholastic Speakers of America... and hires Ben Franklin. Hilarity ensues.

Why I Love This Episode: For me it's a close call between this and "The Dundies" as my favorite episode and truth be told I probably love them equally. I think what stands out to me about this episode is the absolute absurdity of the whole situation. I would have LOVED to be in the meeting when someone pitched this episode, I imagine that it was a full 20 minutes or so before everyone stopped laughing and was able to get back to work.

Notable Lines:

Pam: Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons?

30 Rock - Verna - Season 4 Ep.12

Synopsis: Frank and Liz become temporary roommates and decide to help each other kick their bad habits. Unfortunately, some habits die hard, and Liz finds herself dreaming about giving birth to MeatCat, the Cheesy Blasters mascot, as well as eating in her sleep as seen in the clip above.

Why I Love This Episode: This was the hardest show for me to choose from, there are SO MANY good episodes. I chose this one, almost solely for the above clip. "Black Tie" from season one was a close close second, mainly for Paul Reubens and his Ivory hand.

Notable Lines:

MeatCat: I'm what's inside you!

The IT Crowd - The Work Outing - Season 2 Ep. 1

Synopsis: Moss and Roy suspect that Jen's new beau is gay. To prove them wrong, Jen invites them along on her date with him to see a play. To her dismay, the play turns out to be "Gay: A Gay Musical" which only adds to Moss and Roy's suspicions. Things only get worse however, when Roy is caught in the Handicapped bathroom and pretends to be disabled rather than face the embarrassment of his peers.

Why I Love This Episode: It's hard not to love nearly every episode of this show, I think I love this one particularly though because it manages to cram so much chaos into only half an hour. Literally this episode is packed to 30 Rock proportions of total absurdity.

Notable Lines:

Roy: I'm Disabled.
Jen: How did it happen?
Roy: Acid.
Jen: (disbelieving) What are the odds of that?
Roy: Like 1 in 100.

Blackadder - The Queen of Spain's Beard - Season 1 Ep. 4

Synopsis: Blackadder is forced into an arranged marriage with the Infanta Maria of Spain. At first he is excited at the idea of marrying a Spanish princess, but after meeting her and realizing she is not the beauty many have made her out to be, he tries to get out of the engagement. Unfortunately for him, the Infanta falls in love with him at first sight... at least that's what her translator Don Speekinglish says.

Why I Love This Episode: An oldie but a goodie, I'm sure most of my readers have never seen this show, which is sad, but seasons 3 and 4 are on Netflix, which is happy. Basically it's like The Tudors, but funny, with no sex... and no hotness, but it's good! I swear!

Remember that translator I mentioned? I might also mention that he is present throughout the ENTIRE episode, no matter the situation, no matter how hilarious, or... intimate, the translator is there, translating, constantly. Also, the translator is played by Jim Broadbent... Yes, Golden Globe winner, Jim Broadbent.

Notable Lines:

Don Speekinglish: (translator) Hurry, hurry stupid person I want to entwine him again in my broad thighs.

Spongebob Squarepants - The Graveyard Shift - Season 2 Ep. 16

Synopsis: Mr. Krabs decides to make the Krusty Krab a 24 hour restaurant, requiring Squidward and Spongebob to work the Graveyard Shift. Squidward, annoyed by Spongebob's unending optimism, tells him the ghost story of the Hash Slinging Slasher to scare him into silence. Unfortunately, all the warning signs in the story begin to come true.

Why I Love This Episode: It combines some of my favorite things, horror stories, Nosferatu, and invertebrates, but also, it's hilarious.

Notable Lines:

Spongebob: Hey! I'm (insert action here) at night!

Community - Beginner Pottery - Season 1 Ep.19

Synopsis: Jeff takes Beginner Pottery for some easy credit while the rest of the Study Group decides to take Sailing in the parking lot. Distressed by his inability to accel at pottery, Jeff begins to suspect that one of the other students is not quite a "beginner" and breaks the "No Ghosting" rule set up by the teacher.

Why I Love This Episode: Firstly, No Ghosting. Whoever thought that up, is a genius. Secondly, sailing class, on a stationary boat, in the middle of the school parking lot... also genius. Even though it's still only in it's first season, this show has quickly become one of my faves, I am soooo glad it got renewed.

Okay, I know there are TONS more I could list, but right now, it's 5:30 in the AM and therefore, time for me to sleep. My apologies to "Friends" which had so many good episodes I couldn't pick just one :(


Friday, March 12, 2010

Unrelated Captions

Earlier this month, bequeathed to me a fantastic website of highly hilarious captioned photos... that make no sense. As the name suggests Unrelated Captions basically pairs all the best pictures on the internet with unrelated captions to produce hilarious results. Merrissa and I thought we would try our hand at it... here are some of our first efforts.

New Feature: My Life is Maury

Merrissa and I were perusing the internets this weekend and stumbled upon My Life is Twilight and decided that our lives were too awesome to merely be Twilight... our lives had to be Maury.


I'm a 14 year old stripper who doesn't know who my babydaddy is, LULZ... MLIM

I have a secret... I'm secretly a MAN!... AND the father of our love-child! MLIM

I have a secret! I have a Twin Sister! AND WE'RE BOTH STRIPPERS! MLIM

I'm obsessed with a fictional vampire and it "ecclipses" all my real-life social interactions... MLIM also Twilight.

Remember when I said I didn't cheat on you? My lie detector test determined that was a lie... up to 10 different times! MLIM

I have a unibrow fetish. MLIM

My cats are my life... also my lovers. MLIM

You're welcome

-Rampaige and MJ

Thursday, March 11, 2010

New Software

Okay, so I just got a new computer and I've been spending the past couple days setting it up and installing all my spiffy software. Among my spiffy new software, is a brand new Novel-based word processor to complement my spiffy screenwriting software and I've been just ITCHING to try it out and actually write a few chapters of something as a way to distract me from working on the new pilot I'm supposed to be writing.

Anywho... I've been tossing ideas around in my head for what to write and I've come up with a few different options.

A) Some sort of memoir cataloging my short yet somewhat interesting existence and following my best friend Merrissa's and my quest to be One Hit Wonders while also having action figures of ourselves.

B) A sweeping Romance Novel about Vikings, or Pirates, or Space Viking Pirates... or a Zombie Outbreak... basically a love story that somehow flourishes against insurmountable odds.

C) A "How-to" Book on being awesome... or you know, cooking or something.

D) A Girl's Guide to Horror Films and other things involving corpses.

Anyway, I'm leaving it up to you guys. Vote! Tell me what you like best! I'll get started on the winner and post chapters of it as I finish them.


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Songs that Remind me of People!

My parents were in town this past weekend and we got onto the topic of which songs reminded us of whom so I decided to compile a list of people and songs that remind me of them. Enjoy!

My Dad: Spider Pig

For the Facebook Peeps:

I'm not sure why... it just does.

My Mom: Hold On - Wilson Phillips

For the Facebook Peeps:

Without fail, every time this song comes on the radio my mom will ask me who it's by. Every single time, I reply, "Wilson Phillips, Mom" I have no idea what she does with this information. To my knowledge she's never downloaded the song, or bought a Wilson Phillips album and I think at this point she's just messing with me.

Erin: Flourescent Adolescent - The Arctic Monkeys

For the Facebook Peeps:

Erin says that if I ever succeed in making my Vampire movie that this song should play over the credit sequence... I agree wholeheartedly.

Former Roommate Merrissa: Come on Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Runners

For the Facebook Peeps:

Every single time Merrissa and I get in my car to go somewhere, and she DJ's with my iPod she plays this song first. Every. Single. Time. Luckily it's an awesome song.

Current Roommate Nikki: Cherry Pie - Warrant

For the Facebook Peeps:

When I lived with Nikki the first time, in my younger college days, this song was at the same time, her phone ring, text tone, and alarm clock... for like 6 months. As a result, I know all the words.

Current Roommate Ricky: Informer - Snow

For the Facebook Peeps:

There was a time when Merrissa claimed that the only thing she wanted for Christmas was for me to learn all the lyrics to this song... I never did... because to this day I cannot find a conclusive agreement on what the lyrics are. That doesn't stop Ricky and I from mumbling through it constantly.

Melody: What's Your Fantasy - Ludacris

Video and song possibly NSFW... depending on where you work.

For the Facebook Peeps:

This is honestly one of Mel's favorite songs... which cracks me up every time I think about it.

Will: We Are the Champions - Queen

For the Facebook Peeps:

Sam Morrow: Whistle for the Choir - The Fratellis

For the Facebook Peeps:

Mainly because she's a fellow Fratelli lover, but mostly because she and I share an appreciation for this song specifically.

Michelle Beard: Don't Dream it's Over - Sixpence None the Richer

For the Facebook Peeps:

Michelle put this on a mixtape for me back in high school... when we still used tapes for mixtapes... like champions. I actually still have the tape, sadly no where to play it.

Nick Chavez: Head Over Heels - Tears For Fears

For the Facebook Peeps:

I think I remember Nick at one time saying this was his favorite song... I might be completely wrong, but either way, it still reminds me of him.

Krystol McIntyre: Bump Bump Bump - B2K

For the Facebook Peeps:

Basically any B2K/Omarion song reminds me of Krystol, and probably always will. It also makes me think of this girl in High School who had "Raz-b is Dumb Fine" written on her binder.

Okay, I know there's a TON more I could come up with, so if you want me to tell you what song reminds me of you then put it in the comments. I'm also curious to find out if any songs remind people of me, so put that in the comments too!

Rampaige, out!

Paige's Favorite Albums and Why... Part Deux!

Two posts in a day, aren't you guys lucky :)

As soon as I posted my last list of favorite albums, I realized there were some big albums missing. Albums that I can listen to, in their entirety, in one sitting. Albums that play over the sound system at work, that magically don't drive me insane. Albums that are just plain awesome, these, are those albums...


Amy Winehouse: Back to Black

I was lucky enough to obtain this little gem on vinyl this week. I've heard many people argue for the more radio-friendly, less obscene stylings of Amy's fellow Brit Duffy, and while I enjoy Duffy's Rockferry quite a bit she never seems to be able to capture the same aching soulful sound that Amy does. Listening to Amy Winehouse makes me feel like she's got more emotion in one crack addled nostril than I have in my entire being. It's rare that you find someone who sounds so painful, and yet so beautiful at the same time. Just witness this awesomeness...

There's a small bit of cussing in the beginning, but other than that I think it should be SFW.

For all the facebook peeps:

I heard my sister even learned this song on the Ukelele, and says she'll leave a video of it on my wall... I have yet to see such a video, but I'm sure when I do it will be magnificent. :)
Download: Back to Black, Me and Mr. Jones, Tears Dry on Their Own, and the rest of the album.

Adele: 19

Much in the same vein as Ms. Winehouse, Adele hails from the UK but sounds like Motown, and in my experience you really can't go wrong with Motown, no way no how. She's a little lighter than her darker boozy counterpart, but not as airy as Duffy. Aka, less painful, but still gritty. I think the true measure of an artist is how well they sing their songs live, and Adele is a live performance champ, as evidenced in this video with just her voice and a guitar...

For the Facebook Peeps:

This is my absolute favorite song off her debut album, and I know it's good because it was on my store's rotation for 3 months and I never got tired of it. I would actually look forward to it playing at work. It's rare that I can actually enjoy the music in the store, since even the best songs become grating after a long day of dealing with surly customers, but Adele beat the odds.
Download: Chasing Pavements, Right as Rain, etc.

Rooney: Self Titled and Calling the World

I nearly slapped myself when I realized that neither of these albums were on my first list. I was lucky enough to see Rooney live when they came to UCI a few years ago and it was an interesting experience to say the least... but! They were AMAZING! They sound exactly like they do on their CD. And if you're wondering if the lead singer is that guy from Princess Diaries, the answer is yes. I think the band is actually in the movie at one point, playing the end of this song...

For all the Facebook Peeps:

Download: Blueside, Sorry Sorry, Shakin', When Did Your Heart Go Missing, and basically everything else...

They also have a new album due out this June!

The Police: Greatest Hits

Why is it that the bands who can't get along and stay together make the best music. The Police are truly legendary, their songs have been covered dozens of times and yet their originals still stand the test of time. Every time someone plays that crappy Roxanne cover from Moulin Rouge a little piece of me dies inside, because this is what Roxanne SHOULD sound like...

For the Facebook Peeps:

Download: Roxanne, Message in a Bottle, Every Little Thing She Does is Magic, Don't Stand so Close to Me...

Death Cab for Cutie: Narrow Stairs

I actually have this on vinyl as well as CD and I have to say that this is a great album to just set and forget. Just turn it on, and you won't even notice how it meanders from song to song because it flows so well, I did eventually differentiate the songs enough to have a favorite...

For the Facebook Peeps:

Download: I Will Possess Your Heart, Cath

Michael Jackson: Off the Wall

You know all those awesome Michael Jackson songs that aren't Thriller? Yeah... they're like all on this album, no lie...

For the Facebook Peeps:

All this album needs is Billie Jean, Smooth Criminal, Bad, Black and White, and Thriller to be a nearly complete Michael Jackson's Greatest hits album.

Happy Listening,