Thursday, February 25, 2010

I just have a lot of feelings...

Let the rants begin...

Like the girl in the video, it's true. I have a lot of feelings. On various subjects. Unfortunately not all of them fit neatly into other posts. So I'm just going to discuss them now... by discuss, I mean rant.

The History Channel

I don't know about you guys, but I often find myself at home during the day with nothing to watch on TV. In this situation, I often turn to one of three reliable channel resources.

1. Whatever Channel Maury is on.
2. The Food Network
3. The History Channel

Who doesn't love watching trainwrecks cry? Nobody that's who. Everybody loves a good round of paternity test shenanigans, but sometimes Maury, Montel, Jerry Springer, and/or Judge Judy aren't on TV. At that point, there's only one logical person to turn to... Paula Deen. But oh no! Paula doesn't come on til 4! That can mean only one thing... it's time to learn about the Pyramids.

Or at least that's what you want from the History Channel... and sometimes that's what you get. But chances are, 90% of the times you tune into the History Channel... it will be something WWII related or Gangland... which they somehow find a way to relate to WWII. (How many Gangland specials are there on the Aryan Brotherhood anyway?)

WWII can be fascinating... at least that's what the History Channel WANTS you to think. That's why they give their WWII specials names like "Hitler and the Occult." With a name like that, how could you NOT want to watch? I mean Hitler was one messed up dude, I can't think of anyone more evil... oh wait, yes I can... SATAN! The only way the ending of Inglourious Basterds would have been more satisfying is if the Bear Jew had gunned down Satan after he finished with Hitler. Seriously, Hitler and Satan, the two biggest names in douchebaggery, teamed up, one night only... FOR A HISTORY CHANNEL SPECTACULAR EVENT!!!

But that's not what this special is about at all... Pretty much the whole thing boils down to, "Hitler was kind of into Astrology."

Big. Deal.

So is the lady who cuts my hair. She also enjoys Elvis Costello and is saving up to go visit the Harry Potter theme park in Florida when it opens. Do I want to watch a History Channel special about her? That's a definite no. The worst part is that the History Channel has awesome specials, they just NEVER play them, look at this list...

History of Vampires
The Aztecs and Human Sacrifice
Historical Ghost Stories
Mysteries of the Pyramids
Stonehenge: Temple of the Dead
Ancient Aliens

That's how many awesome ones I found in 60 seconds. Guess what? None of them are WWII related, which is probably why they don't show them.

Crappy Band Names

Tokio Hotel... before I go for the obvious jokes, can I just point out that the normal looking ones in that picture have names like Gustav and Georg... while Bob Marley and Edward Scissorhands over there get names like Bill and Tom. Seriously unfair. Now that's out of the way... TOKIO HAS A Y IN IT! T-O-K-Y-O, TOKYO. The Germans aren't the only culprits here, this is a war we're fighting on our very own American soil...

Soulja Boy Tell 'Em... Tell them what, Soulja Boy? While we're at it... S-O-L-D-I-E-R!!! Soldier, not Soulja. Now, I'm not just getting down on people for bad spelling, because hey, I love The Beatles, and they would be decidedly less awesome if they were called The Beetles, but the misspelling serves a purpose. BEATles, like a beat in their music. The difference is that no one gets confused by the name "The Beatles" there's no dangling pronouns in "The Beatles" it doesn't leave you scratching your head thinking... huh? Bad band names can cause confusion, as seen in this epic and awesome film...

Do you think they would have gotten famous if they would have kept their name as the Oneders (Hey, that's O-nee-ders) instead of the Wonders? Heck no. So cut the crap, and have a normal band name, for all our sakes.

I like to end on a positive...

Old Spice

Don't even lie, that's the funniest commercial you've seen all week, maybe month, possibly year, Old Spice doesn't smell too bad either. A message to all the dudes out there, smelling nice is basically one of the best things you can do to "Up your Game" there's not much better than a guy that smells like nice cologne... or at the very least Old Spice.

Live Long and Prosper,

1 comment:

  1. The History Channel, along with all those daytime TV shows you mentioned, can be entirely unskeptical. It's so stupid. They devote an hour to some crazy guy talking about ghosts, then ten seconds from the rational thinking scientist who knows it's all bullshit. This is their idea of "fairness."

    As for the awesome specials they do have, you forgot History of Sex. That thing is never on when I can actually watch.