Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Chick Flicks by Numbers

Most of you who know me personally know how I feel about chick flicks. Especially those of the Jane Austenish Love Story Variety.

Well, recently Ricky and I watched one such film, (don’t ask why, the explanation isn’t nearly as interesting as you’d think) and we were able to predict the ending after only 20 minutes.

That’s right, 20 minutes. Those movies are THAT predictable. How predictable you ask… well let me show you, starting with...

The Main Character and her Family

- The Writer:
A girl from a poor family who likes to read/write to a degree that is inappropriate for their gender/age/social status etc. She must also have a snarky disposition about love and everything vaguely associated with marriage… this is essential.

- The Gold Digger:
Usually the Writer's mother or her sister. This character will stop at nothing to marry off their children, or in the case of the sister, themselves to the highest bidder/local nobleman/rich relative.

- The Family Embarrassment:
Be it the eccentric father, the doddering grandmother, or the inappropriate younger sibling, they serve as comic relief and to further shame the already poor and socially unacceptable family.

- The Other Siblings:
They're not really important... unless they can be married off.

But of course there wouldn't be a story without another group of people... we'll call them...

The Love Interests

- The New Guy in Town:
He's rich and most likely of noble blood, but most importantly he, like the Writer, is disenchanted with love and will have snarky/flirty debates about it. His mother will stop at nothing to make sure he doesn't marry someone of lower standing or worse, poor.

- The New Guy in Town's Friend/Brother:
He's got the New Guy's best interests at heart, or so he thinks. His main function is to deter gold diggers... or failing that, to marry them before the New Guy gets a chance.

- The Attractive Family Friend/Hired Help:
He either lives with the Writer or at the very least, he lives next door. He's disproportionately attractive for his line of work/social status, he also spends a lot of time shirtless or in a white tank.

He just so happens to be friends with the Writer or one of her sisters... scandal and potential outdoor/library/rainy/barn makeout scenes ensue.

Let the story begin...

The Writer and her poor family are running out of money, unless they come up with some cash soon they will lose their house/castle/mansion/farm. Lucky for them, who should show up but the New Guy who happens to be conveniently rich and single.

The New Guy calls on the family for tea/dinner/cocktail party. The Writer and/or the Family Embarrassment wrecks everything. The Gold Digger is distraught. The New Guy's Friend tells the New Guy that the family is socially unacceptable/only interested in him for the money.

Meanwhile, the Writer is kind of disgusted with the New Guy's riches. Writer/Extra Sibling starts to get a little more serious with the Hired Hand/Family Friend. The Gold Digging sister marries someone for money and not love... it is the scandal of the town. New Guy insults the Writer by pointing it out.

For an inexplicable reason, Writer falls for New Guy. Hired Hand/Family Friend makes his move... Writer/Extra Sibling turns him down. Hired Hand/Family Friend goes to London/America and gets rich or gets sent off to war and dies.

If this is a Movie based on a Jane Austen book:
Writer and New Guy get married and live happily ever after.

If this is a Movie based on a book by anyone else:
Writer dies a spinster.

If this is Jane Austen's actual life:
Writer dies a spinster.

Don't Believe me? Well spoilers ahead...

Becoming Jane: Writer falls for a rich guy... she dies a spinster

Atonement: Writer's sister falls for the Hired Hand/Family Friend... she dies a spinster.

Little Women: Writer turns down the Hired Hand/Family Friend... she ends up with a professor, let's face it, she'll die a spinster.

I Capture the Castle: Writer turns down the Hired Hand/Family Friend in favor of the New Guy... she still dies a spinster.

If anyone ever wonders why I'm not a fan of these movies... chalk it all up to the fact that I like writing... and I don't want to die a spinster.

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