Monday, December 14, 2009

Songs Inspired by Crappy Pick Up Lines

Hey Everybody,

Now that finals are over I finally have time to concentrate on important things... like coming up with some way to kill time on Wednesday Nights until Glee starts up again in April. More importantly, I now I have time to catch up on my internet hilarity, where I discovered a piece of musical genius passed on to me by Mr. Sax Appeal himself, my roommate Ricky Hopkins.

This slice of ear candy is the newest from R. Kelly. You know, the guy who wrote the only 12-part song about midget defecation and baby daddies. This whole song is essentially one terrible pick up line, and I thought to myself, "Self, there are many songs like this... to the blog!"

For all you guys on facebook, if you want to see the vids you're gonna have to go check it out on the blog... Unfortunately facebook is lame and doesn't let me embed videos in my notes, they also constantly screw up my links also. So without further ado, I give you this list of songs based on horrible pick up lines, starting first with our main man R. Kelly.

Pregnant - R. Kelly

Apparently Mr. Kelly is under the impression that all the foxy ladies up in da club are just aching to be the lucky lady to pop out some of his do rag wearin' R&B spawn.

Don't believe me? Peep these lyrics...

Girl you make me wanna get you pregnant (x2)
Lay your body down and get you pregnant
Knock you up, pregnant, knock you up

Yeah... that just happened. If you're a glutton for punishment you can listen to the video here:

Listen up R. Imma learn ya somethin. 99.99% of the women on earth would turn tail and run in the opposite direction after hearing something like that. FURTHERMORE... Never, ever, ever, never, ever, ever use the phrase "Knock you up" in a song especially in the chorus, that's like Songwriting 101. I know, I know, you wrote "I Believe I can Fly" but that was 10 years ago, just because you have a hit doesn't mean you can throw out the rulebook of songwriting propriety... just puttin' it out there.

I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd

Weren't the 90's awesome? They totally were, no denying it. Before we even get to the lyrics, I already have a few bones to pick with the fellas in Color Me Badd. Firstly, Bad only has one "D" morons! Secondly, STOP USING "SEX" AS A VERB!!! And now... to the lyrics:

Girl you know, it feels real good
We can do it 'til we both wake up
Girl, you know I'm hooked on you
And this is what I'll do, yeah

(I wanna sex you up)
Make love 'til we drown
(I wanna sex you up)

And it goes on and on. Now, I don't know about you, but I've already spotted a few problems.

1. We can do it 'til we both wake up
Ummm, I would hope that you'd both be awake already. I had no idea that ambien-lovin' was already a fad during the 90's. And if it wasn't, then I have no explanation for that lyric, except for kinky, kinky sleepwalking.

2. Make love 'til we drown
Are you getting freaky in the ocean? What is going on in this song?!? And are they still asleep? Holy cow! THEY'RE GOING TO DROWN!

Regardless of these massive unresolved issues... this song is still catchy as heck. As evidenced by my favorite version, performed by the Acafellas:

Faded - Souldecision

At first this song sounds like one guy's innocent attempt to get out of the friend zone... but really it's not. As the lyrics clearly state...

Don't you think it's time we went a bit further, oh yeah
Every night when we say goodbye
how can I help looking in your eyes
Wondering why you and I haven't hit it
Can we get it on

Kind of faded, but I feel alright
Thinkin' about making my move tonight
I can't pretend that you're only my friend when you're holdin' my body tight
'Cause I like the way you're making your move
I like the way you're making me wait
At the end of the night, when i make up your mind
You'll be coming on home with me, yeah, yeah, yeah

First things first, with friends this skeezy... who needs to be groped by strangers?
Also. I'm going to give them a penalty for awkward goatee usage:

But I digress, what if a guy actually said that to someone? I think it would go something like this...


Party goers run rampant as bad pop music wafts from a nearby stereo. A SKEEZY FRIEND stands next to a GIRL trying to get her drunk on Zima.

So how come you and I never... you know.

What are you talking about?

Look I can't pretend that you and I don't
have chemistry when you look at me like

Ummm... I'm only friends with you so I
can cheat off you in math class...

Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform
to you?

This cannot end well. Play us off Soul Decision...

Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-A-Lot

See that picture... yeah... he's posing... on a butt... a giant butt.

So I know pretty much everyone reading this can totally recite these lyrics by heart at this point, but I just want to highlight one section in particular...

Oh baby, I wanna get wit ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupie

Sir Mix-A-Lot wants you to get in his Benz after he takes your picture... because you've got junk in the trunk. Butts, not just for sitting anymore. Now you can use them to attract a successful dude with a lot goin' on, like Sir Mix-A-Lot. That's all well and good, but riddle me this ass man, how would the average lady respond to a dude saying, "Yo! Your butt is HUGE!"

I'll tell you.

Not Well.

However, after chilling with my good friends Ben and Jerry and crying over my huge behind... I officially award Sir Mix-A-Lot my Snoop Dogg perpetual trophy for Mad Flow and Sick Rhymes... also for using a fairy tale analogy to refer to a woman's posterior, and being the most popular song played at every sorority dance. For those of you who have a thing for Badonkadonk-shaped set pieces... I give you Baby Got Back: The Music Video.

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