Chick Flicks by Numbers

Most of you who know me personally know how I feel about chick flicks. Especially those of the Jane Austenish Love Story Variety.

Well, recently Ricky and I watched one such film, (don’t ask why, the explanation isn’t nearly as interesting as you’d think) and we were able to predict the ending after only 20 minutes.

That’s right, 20 minutes. Those movies are THAT predictable. How predictable you ask… well let me show you, starting with...

The Main Character and her Family

- The Writer:
A girl from a poor family who likes to read/write to a degree that is inappropriate for their gender/age/social status etc. She must also have a snarky disposition about love and everything vaguely associated with marriage… this is essential.



- The Gold Digger:
Usually the Writer's mother or her sister. This character will stop at nothing to marry off their children, or in the case of the sister, themselves to the highest bidder/local nobleman/rich relative.

- The Family Embarrassment:
Be it the eccentric father, the doddering grandmother, or the inappropriate younger sibling, they serve as comic relief and to further shame the already poor and socially unacceptable family.

- The Other Siblings:
They're not really important... unless they can be married off.

But of course there wouldn't be a story without another group of people... we'll call them...

The Love Interests

- The New Guy in Town:
He's rich and most likely of noble blood, but most importantly he, like the Writer, is disenchanted with love and will have snarky/flirty debates about it. His mother will stop at nothing to make sure he doesn't marry someone of lower standing or worse, poor.



- The New Guy in Town's Friend/Brother:
He's got the New Guy's best interests at heart, or so he thinks. His main function is to deter gold diggers... or failing that, to marry them before the New Guy gets a chance.

- The Attractive Family Friend/Hired Help:
He either lives with the Writer or at the very least, he lives next door. He's disproportionately attractive for his line of work/social status, he also spends a lot of time shirtless or in a white tank.



He just so happens to be friends with the Writer or one of her sisters... scandal and potential outdoor/library/rainy/barn makeout scenes ensue.



Let the story begin...

The Writer and her poor family are running out of money, unless they come up with some cash soon they will lose their house/castle/mansion/farm. Lucky for them, who should show up but the New Guy who happens to be conveniently rich and single.

The New Guy calls on the family for tea/dinner/cocktail party. The Writer and/or the Family Embarrassment wrecks everything. The Gold Digger is distraught. The New Guy's Friend tells the New Guy that the family is socially unacceptable/only interested in him for the money.

Meanwhile, the Writer is kind of disgusted with the New Guy's riches. Writer/Extra Sibling starts to get a little more serious with the Hired Hand/Family Friend. The Gold Digging sister marries someone for money and not love... it is the scandal of the town. New Guy insults the Writer by pointing it out.

For an inexplicable reason, Writer falls for New Guy. Hired Hand/Family Friend makes his move... Writer/Extra Sibling turns him down. Hired Hand/Family Friend goes to London/America and gets rich or gets sent off to war and dies.



If this is a Movie based on a Jane Austen book:
Writer and New Guy get married and live happily ever after.

If this is a Movie based on a book by anyone else:
Writer dies a spinster.

If this is Jane Austen's actual life:
Writer dies a spinster.

Don't Believe me? Well spoilers ahead...

Becoming Jane: Writer falls for a rich guy... she dies a spinster

Atonement: Writer's sister falls for the Hired Hand/Family Friend... she dies a spinster.

Little Women: Writer turns down the Hired Hand/Family Friend... she ends up with a professor, let's face it, she'll die a spinster.

I Capture the Castle: Writer turns down the Hired Hand/Family Friend in favor of the New Guy... she still dies a spinster.

If anyone ever wonders why I'm not a fan of these movies... chalk it all up to the fact that I like writing... and I don't want to die a spinster.

Birthday Postage

So... at 2:10 this morning I turn 22. I figured one of the best ways to celebrate the occasion was to pick some of my fave movies from the past 22 years. Enjoy!...

1987: Princess Bride
This is one of my all time favorite movies and lo and behold it came out the year I was born. Coincidence... I think NOT!

1988: Bloodsport
I'm a sucker for a terrible Van Damme movie... especially when Karate Competitions are involved.

1989: The Little Mermaid
Believe it or not this was the first movie I ever saw in theaters.

1990: Edward Scissorhands
The last time I went to get my car's oil changed, this movie was on in the waiting room... I voluntarily sat in that waiting room for an extra half an hour to finish it.

1991: Beauty and the Beast
My favorite Disney movie of all time.

1992: Resevoir Dogs
Making Mexican Standoffs cool since '92

1993: So I Married an Axe Murderer
I love this movie and I quote it way more than I'd like to admit.

1994: Pulp Fiction
ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME!

1995: Clueless / A Goofy Movie
This was a really tough decision for me. On the one hand, I have an unabashed love for teen films. On the other hand, the Goofy Movie pretty much shaped my childhood... so I decided to go with both.

1996: That Thing You Do!
I have never met a person who dislikes this movie, mainly because it's awesome and it has one of my favorite soundtracks ever.

1997: Liar Liar
The CLAW!!!

1998: The Wedding Singer
I love this movie! I've seen it on Broadway, and I will literally stop and watch it ANY time it's on tv, no matter what.

1999: The Mummy / She’s All That
The Mummy was the first, pseudo-horror film I ever saw, and She's All That is one of my fave teen films of the late 90's.

2000: High Fidelity
I am super neurotic about my music... thank goodness someone else is too.

2001: Head Over Heels
"I'ma gonna have red beans for dinner."

2002: My Big Fat Greek Wedding
This movie was awesome, until the dawning realization that it will someday be my future.

2003: Cabin Fever / Kill Bill Vol.1
My go-to awesomely bad horror movie and the good half of Tarantino's Kung Fu epic came out in the same year... I know, I couldn't believe it either.

2004: Mean Girls / Alexander / Shaun of the Dead
Yet another awesome year for film. Now most of you are probably wondering why the hell Alexander is on this list. Let's be honest... that movie is sucktacular. However, it was the first R rated movie I saw in theaters after turning 17 (Thanks Vanessa for experiencing that horror by my side) it's also the first and only time I've ever seen audience participation spontaneously happen. In stead of leaving, people started cat calling and throwing stuff at the screen Rocky Horror style.

2005: Sin City
Freaking awesome, V for Vendetta also came out this year... also freaking awesome.

2006: Snakes on a Plane
Enough is Enough! I have had it with these Monkey Fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!

2007: Grindhouse / Juno / Atonement
The Perfect Storm of movie years... fo reals. Also my first year of film school.

2008: Slumdog Millionaire
Superfantastic... one of my fave oscar winners of all time.

2009: Inglourious Basterds
Dude, like you didn't see it coming, this was TOTES my movie of the year.

Lucy in DISGUISE! Paige's 2009 Halloween Costume Awards.

Let me start by saying that I applaud everyone who dressed up this year, because nothing is lamer than the dude standing next to a houseplant at a party wearing a shirt that says, "This is my Costume." What it should say is, "This is the limit of my creativity." Costumes are AWESOME.

All that being said... I was sadly disappointed at the costumes people wore to the film festival, about 80% of the audience were dressed as zombies, and not the creative kind either. They were dressed as the "I put on dirty clothes and used red sharpie on my face for blood" Zombies. Lame... but MAD PROPS to the chick who dressed up as Rufio, ma'am, you are my hero.

Due to the lack of awesome film fest costumes, my sorority sister, Julia, and I ventured downtown to 6th street to see the costumes there. They did not disappoint. So without further ado, I'd like to present some awards, to the people whom I thought went above and beyond...

Best Obscure Cartoon Reference: Powdered Toast Man


Apparently in Texas they didn't grow up with Ren and Stimpy because like NO ONE knew who this guy was supposed to be. Which makes me a sad panda. I think the only obscure super hero that would be a BETTER costume would be to go as Arnie... STRONGEST MAN... in the world. And if you're gonna be Arnie, you really have to commit. If anyone dressed as Arnie this year PLEASE send me a picture. I will totes post it. If not, then someone PLEASE go as Arnie next year, I can't believe it's taken me this long to think of it.

Best Nickelodeon Game Show Team: GUTS!


Okay, for the record, I saw 2 Double Dare teams and representatives from every team on Legends of the Hidden Temple. This group had that something extra... that's right... IT'S A SLICE OF THE AGGRO CRAG! They actually made their own piece of Crag. In my opinion that attention to detail gives them the right to tower over the Pantheon of Nickelodeon Game Show costumes and take their rightful place as king.

Best Pretentious Film Nerd Costume: A Clockwork Orange


Not the only Alexander DeLarge we saw that night, but this one definitely had the creepy smile down.

Best Costume Combo: Swine Flu and Elderly Walmart Employee


I think both of these are so creative, the only thing that makes them better is that they were there together... as a couple... an Elderly Walmart Employee and an Elderly Walmart Employee's worst fear.

Best Costume That Can Double as an Outfit for Scientology Protests: V


This guy was head to toe legit... and once again ENGLAND PREVAILS!

Best Costume Based on Vh1: Brett Michaels


You better believe I got a picture with Brett Michaels, and yes I will stay on this tour and continue to be your Rock of Love... but only if there are relays and powderpuff football games involved.

Best Costume That Could Totally Be Confused for Something Even Better: ?


Okay when I first saw this one, I was hoping against all hope that he was dressed as Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and would maybe grace us with a selection from his Dracula Puppet Musical. "Die! Die! Die!... I can't." Unfortunately he was Mr. Rogers... who sadly never wrote a puppet musical.

Best Costume that WOULD have been relevant 20 years ago... and was also a bad Madonna Movie: Dick Tracy


This dude was majorly creeptacular... we probably should have known. After all, he WAS dressed like Dick Tracy.

Best 80's College Film Reference: Tri Lam


Revenge of the Nerd...y Halloween costume.

Which brings me to my personal fave.

Best Costume Taken from a Hilarious Ad Campaign: The Most Interesting Man in the World


That's right, the Man, the Myth, the Legend, was in Texas this weekend... and he preferred not to be confused for George Clooney.

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!

-Rampaige

Darla of the Dead

Thanks everyone for being so patient. The Festival was a blast! We didn't win anything but it was an honor just to see it on the big screen. I'm still going through all the pictures of costumes but there were some downright creative ones. As soon as I sort out the best I'll post them along with some other fun pics from different spots around Austin.

Darla of the Dead from Paige Wesley on Vimeo.

Dismember the Alamo Part Deux!

Okay, I'll keep this brief, mainly because I'm typing it out on my iPhone (see Heather, I AM important enough to need email and Twitter everywhere I go). I am currently sitting at Southwest Gate 9 at LAX about to get on a plane to Texas to go see the my movie on the big screen for the first time. I feel so fancy its insane.

Anyway, those of you who have been clamoring to see said movie will not have to wait much longer, the film will be posted after the event tonight along with a list of the Top 10 costumes from te event. My original costume idea didn't work out so I'll have to rock the machine gun leg next year... I never miss. As for this year's costume I'm torn between being Harley Quinn or Zombie DJ AM... If anyone feels strongly one way or the other feel free to leave it in the comment section.

Again, a big thank you to everyone who's been so supportive... And willing to cover themselves in Karo Syrup in the name of Art. And a big apology to Kellen whose name is wrong in the credits. If you guys are nice I might post the first 10 pages of my new script.

Til tonight, live long and prosper,
Rampaige

Dismember the Alamo!

Hey Everybody!

Okay so it is officially 11:37am. Now those of you who know me well are probably thinking, "Paige, what in God's name are you doing up before the crack of noon?" Good question. Well, as it just so happens I was awoken this morning by a phone call from Texas (they're 2 hours ahead, so it was almost noon there) telling me that they will be screening my short film "Darla of the Dead" at their Dismember the Alamo: Zombie Short Film Festival on Halloween night.

Needless to say, I danced around the room in my jammies for quite some time.

Then I realized, there's a list that I haven't done... yeah, I couldn't believe it either. In honor of my upcoming festival debut, here are my top 5 favorite Zombie Movies.

Shaun of the Dead


I know that I go on and on about this movie ad nauseum but seriously it is one of my faves. Not only is it amazingly hilarious and acted beautifully by the illustrious Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, but it's also legitimately scary at points. It's incredibly difficult to be funny and scary at the same time, but Shaun of the Dead does it with the finesse of that guy from Vh1's the pick up artist, and for that it earns my top spot.

Planet Terror


aka: The awesome half of Grindhouse

Oh no she di-int. Yeah, I totally did. I will be the first to admit to my die hard Tarantino fandom, but even I cannot deny that Planet Terror was totally my favorite of the two. This movie has everything. Zombies, Machine Gun Legs, and Fergie... being eated by a Zombie. Moreover, I am totally dressing up like Cherry Darling for the festival.

Dead Alive


Before Peter Jackson was known for respectable Oscar Winning films like Lord of the Rings... he made Dead Alive... for about $11 total. This movie is disgustingly hilarious, between Zombie babies, Kung Fu inclined Ministers, and haunted household appliances, it's no wonder that the film culminates with the main character strapping a lawnmower to his chest and walking through a Zombie hoarde.

Evil Dead II


Groovy.

It would be impossible to make a list of Zombie Films without mentioning the one, the only, the master, Bruce Campbell. Much like Dead Alive, the Evil Dead films were directed by Sam Raimi, now famous for films like Spiderman... but once famous for attaching a chainsaw to a character's hand for easy Zombie dismemberment. I think the most hilarious thing about Evil Dead II is that essentially it's a remake of Evil Dead I... they just had more money this time... and they gave Bruce Campbell a chainsaw for a hand. See Also, Army of Darkness, the final and arguably least frightening film in the Evil Dead franchise, sure fire laughs and chainsaw hands abound.

The Matrix


Let's face it, Keanu's practically a Zombie anyway, we should just make it official, and Carrie Anne Moss should totally have a machine gun for a leg.

I'm on the Fence About...

Plan 9 From Outer Space


Where would midnight movie screenings be today without Ed Wood?

See that guy in the back covering his face? Yeah, that's because Bella Lugosi died after only filming a few scenes of the film, and rather than scrap the project or re-film Lugosi's scenes, Wood decided it was just better to hire a new guy and have him cover his face the whole time... Good Plan Ed.

Zombieland


Don't get me wrong, it was great. I just find it hard to resist the temptation of comparing it to my #1.

Night of the Living/Dawn of the Dead

Without George A. Romero's commentary on Human Society, we wouldn't have the modern zombie film... I just couldn't decide which one to put on the list, so here's both.

Well, that's all for now. I'm off to go celebrate.

Removing the Head and Destroying the Brain,
Rampaige

Working, Shopping, and TV, Oh my!

Buckle up, this might get kind of long...

My screenwriting prof kinda ripped me a new one today, and I would be mad about it... if he wasn't totally right. No comment stings more than, "I know you are capable of writing a better story than this." Glad to know you thought so highly of me... up until you read this assignment.

But I digress, tonight as I was putting off re-writing my outlines and treatments, I started reading Mindy Kaling's blog "Things I Bought That I Love" at href="http://mindyephron.blogspot.com/">. Mindy is awesome, and I totally look up to her for being one of only 2 women on The Office writing staff, but seriously, she hasn't updated her blog since last April.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone... I haven't uploaded anything since my Dynamite Jones video. What better way to put off writing something then to write something else, right?

Anyway, in totally unrelated news, another one of our managers "left the company," which is a fancy way of saying someone got fired. For those of you playing along at home, that's 3 managers in 4 months. Yeah, wow, I have no personal opinions on whether or not they should have been fired... but I do have opinions about these people... That's right, today's list is TV Characters Who Should Be Fired. I've actually had this list for a while, and never put it up, but, here goes...

The Simpsons: Homer Simpson


Homer Jay Simpson: Safety Inspector at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, sector 7G.

On The Simpsons, Homer is shown multiple times AT work... but never really DOING any work. Mostly just eating donuts and causing the occasional meltdown. Riddle me this Batman, if you lived in the shadow of a giant Nuclear plant, as all the residents of Springfield do; would you really want a man who at one time prayed to a waffle, manning the controls? Yeah, me neither.

Futurama: Dr. Zoidberg


I'm not sure exactly what kind of Doctor Zoidberg is, but he's definitely not the kind who should be treating humans. More importantly, why is there a doctor working at what is essentially Intergalactic UPS?

The Office: Kelly Kapoor


Let's see, Jim, Dwight, Stanley, Phyllis, Andy, and now Pam are all Salespeople. Angela, Oscar, and Kevin work in accounting. Toby's the HR Rep, Ryan's a temp, and Kelly is... Kelly is... uhhh...

Yeah, I actually had to do some research on this one and I learned that Kelly is actually Dunder Mifflin's Customer Service Representative, as evidenced by this video.


BJ, we feel your pain. Bonus points to anyone who can figure out what Creed and Meredith do... because I'm still stymied.

Friends: Phoebe


It truly pains me to put this one on the list, because I love Friends and Phoebe is one of my all time faves. But seriously, I can't really think of a more unreliable masseuse. Granted her idea for a Relaxi Taxi is groundbreaking, but she should really stick to what she's best at... music.



The Simpsons: Dr. Nick


Inflammable means flammable? What a country!

That 70's Show: Leo


Leo used to operate the local photo booth... then he kinda worked at the record store... sort of.

Heroes: Matt Parkman


I could wallpaper my condo with the paperwork generated by Matt Parkman's constant abuse of witnesses, not to mention multiple unexplained absences to go do things like, whiping Nathan Petrelli's memory or being kidnapped for use in Mutant Experimentation. How is he still a detective?

Glee: Sue Sylvester


Exhibit A: The scariest cheer coach in the history of forever. I bet she eats cocaine for breakfast.

Some people I'm on the fence about...

The Office: Michael Scott


Yes, yes, I know that Michael is pretty much the cause for every problem the steadfast employees at Dunder Mifflin Scranton face... but he does have flashes of brilliance, and almost everything he does is done with good intentions... sort of.

Well, that's all for now, I know I've left people off the list. I'm sure I could make dozens of lists on this same topic, but for now... I should actually start working on my script. Ta ta for now. I'll be back soon with another post.

Dinkin' Flicka,
Rampaige