Songs Inspired by Crappy Pick Up Lines

Hey Everybody,

Now that finals are over I finally have time to concentrate on important things... like coming up with some way to kill time on Wednesday Nights until Glee starts up again in April. More importantly, I now I have time to catch up on my internet hilarity, where I discovered a piece of musical genius passed on to me by Mr. Sax Appeal himself, my roommate Ricky Hopkins.

This slice of ear candy is the newest from R. Kelly. You know, the guy who wrote the only 12-part song about midget defecation and baby daddies. This whole song is essentially one terrible pick up line, and I thought to myself, "Self, there are many songs like this... to the blog!"

For all you guys on facebook, if you want to see the vids you're gonna have to go check it out on the blog... Unfortunately facebook is lame and doesn't let me embed videos in my notes, they also constantly screw up my links also. So without further ado, I give you this list of songs based on horrible pick up lines, starting first with our main man R. Kelly.

Pregnant - R. Kelly



Apparently Mr. Kelly is under the impression that all the foxy ladies up in da club are just aching to be the lucky lady to pop out some of his do rag wearin' R&B spawn.

Don't believe me? Peep these lyrics...


Girl you make me wanna get you pregnant (x2)
Lay your body down and get you pregnant
Knock you up, pregnant, knock you up

Yeah... that just happened. If you're a glutton for punishment you can listen to the video here:


Listen up R. Imma learn ya somethin. 99.99% of the women on earth would turn tail and run in the opposite direction after hearing something like that. FURTHERMORE... Never, ever, ever, never, ever, ever use the phrase "Knock you up" in a song especially in the chorus, that's like Songwriting 101. I know, I know, you wrote "I Believe I can Fly" but that was 10 years ago, just because you have a hit doesn't mean you can throw out the rulebook of songwriting propriety... just puttin' it out there.

I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd



Weren't the 90's awesome? They totally were, no denying it. Before we even get to the lyrics, I already have a few bones to pick with the fellas in Color Me Badd. Firstly, Bad only has one "D" morons! Secondly, STOP USING "SEX" AS A VERB!!! And now... to the lyrics:

Girl you know, it feels real good
We can do it 'til we both wake up
Girl, you know I'm hooked on you
And this is what I'll do, yeah

(I wanna sex you up)
Make love 'til we drown
(I wanna sex you up)

And it goes on and on. Now, I don't know about you, but I've already spotted a few problems.

1. We can do it 'til we both wake up
Ummm, I would hope that you'd both be awake already. I had no idea that ambien-lovin' was already a fad during the 90's. And if it wasn't, then I have no explanation for that lyric, except for kinky, kinky sleepwalking.

2. Make love 'til we drown
Are you getting freaky in the ocean? What is going on in this song?!? And are they still asleep? Holy cow! THEY'RE GOING TO DROWN!

Regardless of these massive unresolved issues... this song is still catchy as heck. As evidenced by my favorite version, performed by the Acafellas:



Faded - Souldecision



At first this song sounds like one guy's innocent attempt to get out of the friend zone... but really it's not. As the lyrics clearly state...

Don't you think it's time we went a bit further, oh yeah
Every night when we say goodbye
how can I help looking in your eyes
Wondering why you and I haven't hit it
Can we get it on

[Chorus:]
Kind of faded, but I feel alright
Thinkin' about making my move tonight
I can't pretend that you're only my friend when you're holdin' my body tight
'Cause I like the way you're making your move
I like the way you're making me wait
At the end of the night, when i make up your mind
You'll be coming on home with me, yeah, yeah, yeah

First things first, with friends this skeezy... who needs to be groped by strangers?
Also. I'm going to give them a penalty for awkward goatee usage:



But I digress, what if a guy actually said that to someone? I think it would go something like this...

INT. HOUSE PARTY - NIGHT

Party goers run rampant as bad pop music wafts from a nearby stereo. A SKEEZY FRIEND stands next to a GIRL trying to get her drunk on Zima.

SKEEZY FRIEND
So how come you and I never... you know.

GIRL
What are you talking about?

SKEEZY FRIEND
Look I can't pretend that you and I don't
have chemistry when you look at me like
that.

GIRL
Ummm... I'm only friends with you so I
can cheat off you in math class...

SKEEZY FRIEND
Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform
to you?

This cannot end well. Play us off Soul Decision...



Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-A-Lot



See that picture... yeah... he's posing... on a butt... a giant butt.

So I know pretty much everyone reading this can totally recite these lyrics by heart at this point, but I just want to highlight one section in particular...

Oh baby, I wanna get wit ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupie

Sir Mix-A-Lot wants you to get in his Benz after he takes your picture... because you've got junk in the trunk. Butts, not just for sitting anymore. Now you can use them to attract a successful dude with a lot goin' on, like Sir Mix-A-Lot. That's all well and good, but riddle me this ass man, how would the average lady respond to a dude saying, "Yo! Your butt is HUGE!"

I'll tell you.

Not Well.

However, after chilling with my good friends Ben and Jerry and crying over my huge behind... I officially award Sir Mix-A-Lot my Snoop Dogg perpetual trophy for Mad Flow and Sick Rhymes... also for using a fairy tale analogy to refer to a woman's posterior, and being the most popular song played at every sorority dance. For those of you who have a thing for Badonkadonk-shaped set pieces... I give you Baby Got Back: The Music Video.

Paige's Favorite Movies of 2009!

There are only about 3 more weeks left in 2009 and I think it's been a great year for entertainment. I will, of course, be posting my annual list of Wins and Fails after the New Years. But, before I make my final deliberations, I thought I would take the time to recognize some of my favorite movies, because there's just a little too much Win for one list alone.

I know that there are some amazing films that didn't make the list, but I wanted to pick my personal favorites. Enjoy!

In Order of Release Date:

Coraline



I was surprised how much I enjoyed this movie. Don't get me wrong, I like The Nightmare Before Christmas as much as anyone else, but I'm not a crazy fangirl. The story was creative and touching, and it was visually stunning. Not to mention the music, artfully composed by They Might Be Giants. I was an instant fan.

Star Trek



And not just because Zachary Quinto is fi-i-i-ine! I mean look, he's not even in that picture. I really appreciated that J.J. Abrams was able to make a movie that average moviegoers and Trekkies can enjoy... sorry, Trekkers. Just give it up guys, neither one sounds good.

Inglourious Basterds



Like I haven't talked about this movie enough already, I'll condense it's appeal into 5 words for the uninitiated. Killing Nazis With Baseball Bats. 'Nuff Said.

Whip It



Long story short... I TOTALLY WANT TO BE A HURL SCOUT! This movie made me laugh and cry, it was quirky and fun, all around I just totally enjoyed it. I highly recommend that everyone watch it if you get a chance.

Pirate Radio



This movie had literally all of my favorite British People in it, except Simon Pegg and Hugh Laurie. Not to mention that the soundtrack is AMAZING! There is more music in this movie than Across the Universe, and it's all original versions. My sister Erin and I alternated between laughing and dancing in the theater, it was a great Movie experience!

Ninja Assassin



I had literally no expectations for this movie. I figured all I would get was a Bloodbath. Don't get me wrong... it was a bloodbath, and by blood bath I mean that each person emitted enough blood to fill a bathtub when killed. It takes some serious Kung Fu to out bloody the Crazy 88's scene in Kill Bill and Ninja Assassin did it within the first 10 minutes. Say what you want, but I liked it.

Now, there are some reportedly awesome films that I haven't seen yet that might make this list, I'll review each separately. Ones I haven't seen yet are...

Black Dynamite
Precious
Up
New York, I Love You
Where the Wild Things Are
Fantastic Mr. Fox (I have it on good authority that it is indeed fantastic)
Up in the Air
Lovely Bones
The Road

The list never ends.

Until next time,
Rampaige

Chick Flicks by Numbers

Most of you who know me personally know how I feel about chick flicks. Especially those of the Jane Austenish Love Story Variety.

Well, recently Ricky and I watched one such film, (don’t ask why, the explanation isn’t nearly as interesting as you’d think) and we were able to predict the ending after only 20 minutes.

That’s right, 20 minutes. Those movies are THAT predictable. How predictable you ask… well let me show you, starting with...

The Main Character and her Family

- The Writer:
A girl from a poor family who likes to read/write to a degree that is inappropriate for their gender/age/social status etc. She must also have a snarky disposition about love and everything vaguely associated with marriage… this is essential.



- The Gold Digger:
Usually the Writer's mother or her sister. This character will stop at nothing to marry off their children, or in the case of the sister, themselves to the highest bidder/local nobleman/rich relative.

- The Family Embarrassment:
Be it the eccentric father, the doddering grandmother, or the inappropriate younger sibling, they serve as comic relief and to further shame the already poor and socially unacceptable family.

- The Other Siblings:
They're not really important... unless they can be married off.

But of course there wouldn't be a story without another group of people... we'll call them...

The Love Interests

- The New Guy in Town:
He's rich and most likely of noble blood, but most importantly he, like the Writer, is disenchanted with love and will have snarky/flirty debates about it. His mother will stop at nothing to make sure he doesn't marry someone of lower standing or worse, poor.



- The New Guy in Town's Friend/Brother:
He's got the New Guy's best interests at heart, or so he thinks. His main function is to deter gold diggers... or failing that, to marry them before the New Guy gets a chance.

- The Attractive Family Friend/Hired Help:
He either lives with the Writer or at the very least, he lives next door. He's disproportionately attractive for his line of work/social status, he also spends a lot of time shirtless or in a white tank.



He just so happens to be friends with the Writer or one of her sisters... scandal and potential outdoor/library/rainy/barn makeout scenes ensue.



Let the story begin...

The Writer and her poor family are running out of money, unless they come up with some cash soon they will lose their house/castle/mansion/farm. Lucky for them, who should show up but the New Guy who happens to be conveniently rich and single.

The New Guy calls on the family for tea/dinner/cocktail party. The Writer and/or the Family Embarrassment wrecks everything. The Gold Digger is distraught. The New Guy's Friend tells the New Guy that the family is socially unacceptable/only interested in him for the money.

Meanwhile, the Writer is kind of disgusted with the New Guy's riches. Writer/Extra Sibling starts to get a little more serious with the Hired Hand/Family Friend. The Gold Digging sister marries someone for money and not love... it is the scandal of the town. New Guy insults the Writer by pointing it out.

For an inexplicable reason, Writer falls for New Guy. Hired Hand/Family Friend makes his move... Writer/Extra Sibling turns him down. Hired Hand/Family Friend goes to London/America and gets rich or gets sent off to war and dies.



If this is a Movie based on a Jane Austen book:
Writer and New Guy get married and live happily ever after.

If this is a Movie based on a book by anyone else:
Writer dies a spinster.

If this is Jane Austen's actual life:
Writer dies a spinster.

Don't Believe me? Well spoilers ahead...

Becoming Jane: Writer falls for a rich guy... she dies a spinster

Atonement: Writer's sister falls for the Hired Hand/Family Friend... she dies a spinster.

Little Women: Writer turns down the Hired Hand/Family Friend... she ends up with a professor, let's face it, she'll die a spinster.

I Capture the Castle: Writer turns down the Hired Hand/Family Friend in favor of the New Guy... she still dies a spinster.

If anyone ever wonders why I'm not a fan of these movies... chalk it all up to the fact that I like writing... and I don't want to die a spinster.

Birthday Postage

So... at 2:10 this morning I turn 22. I figured one of the best ways to celebrate the occasion was to pick some of my fave movies from the past 22 years. Enjoy!...

1987: Princess Bride
This is one of my all time favorite movies and lo and behold it came out the year I was born. Coincidence... I think NOT!

1988: Bloodsport
I'm a sucker for a terrible Van Damme movie... especially when Karate Competitions are involved.

1989: The Little Mermaid
Believe it or not this was the first movie I ever saw in theaters.

1990: Edward Scissorhands
The last time I went to get my car's oil changed, this movie was on in the waiting room... I voluntarily sat in that waiting room for an extra half an hour to finish it.

1991: Beauty and the Beast
My favorite Disney movie of all time.

1992: Resevoir Dogs
Making Mexican Standoffs cool since '92

1993: So I Married an Axe Murderer
I love this movie and I quote it way more than I'd like to admit.

1994: Pulp Fiction
ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME!

1995: Clueless / A Goofy Movie
This was a really tough decision for me. On the one hand, I have an unabashed love for teen films. On the other hand, the Goofy Movie pretty much shaped my childhood... so I decided to go with both.

1996: That Thing You Do!
I have never met a person who dislikes this movie, mainly because it's awesome and it has one of my favorite soundtracks ever.

1997: Liar Liar
The CLAW!!!

1998: The Wedding Singer
I love this movie! I've seen it on Broadway, and I will literally stop and watch it ANY time it's on tv, no matter what.

1999: The Mummy / She’s All That
The Mummy was the first, pseudo-horror film I ever saw, and She's All That is one of my fave teen films of the late 90's.

2000: High Fidelity
I am super neurotic about my music... thank goodness someone else is too.

2001: Head Over Heels
"I'ma gonna have red beans for dinner."

2002: My Big Fat Greek Wedding
This movie was awesome, until the dawning realization that it will someday be my future.

2003: Cabin Fever / Kill Bill Vol.1
My go-to awesomely bad horror movie and the good half of Tarantino's Kung Fu epic came out in the same year... I know, I couldn't believe it either.

2004: Mean Girls / Alexander / Shaun of the Dead
Yet another awesome year for film. Now most of you are probably wondering why the hell Alexander is on this list. Let's be honest... that movie is sucktacular. However, it was the first R rated movie I saw in theaters after turning 17 (Thanks Vanessa for experiencing that horror by my side) it's also the first and only time I've ever seen audience participation spontaneously happen. In stead of leaving, people started cat calling and throwing stuff at the screen Rocky Horror style.

2005: Sin City
Freaking awesome, V for Vendetta also came out this year... also freaking awesome.

2006: Snakes on a Plane
Enough is Enough! I have had it with these Monkey Fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!

2007: Grindhouse / Juno / Atonement
The Perfect Storm of movie years... fo reals. Also my first year of film school.

2008: Slumdog Millionaire
Superfantastic... one of my fave oscar winners of all time.

2009: Inglourious Basterds
Dude, like you didn't see it coming, this was TOTES my movie of the year.

Lucy in DISGUISE! Paige's 2009 Halloween Costume Awards.

Let me start by saying that I applaud everyone who dressed up this year, because nothing is lamer than the dude standing next to a houseplant at a party wearing a shirt that says, "This is my Costume." What it should say is, "This is the limit of my creativity." Costumes are AWESOME.

All that being said... I was sadly disappointed at the costumes people wore to the film festival, about 80% of the audience were dressed as zombies, and not the creative kind either. They were dressed as the "I put on dirty clothes and used red sharpie on my face for blood" Zombies. Lame... but MAD PROPS to the chick who dressed up as Rufio, ma'am, you are my hero.

Due to the lack of awesome film fest costumes, my sorority sister, Julia, and I ventured downtown to 6th street to see the costumes there. They did not disappoint. So without further ado, I'd like to present some awards, to the people whom I thought went above and beyond...

Best Obscure Cartoon Reference: Powdered Toast Man


Apparently in Texas they didn't grow up with Ren and Stimpy because like NO ONE knew who this guy was supposed to be. Which makes me a sad panda. I think the only obscure super hero that would be a BETTER costume would be to go as Arnie... STRONGEST MAN... in the world. And if you're gonna be Arnie, you really have to commit. If anyone dressed as Arnie this year PLEASE send me a picture. I will totes post it. If not, then someone PLEASE go as Arnie next year, I can't believe it's taken me this long to think of it.

Best Nickelodeon Game Show Team: GUTS!


Okay, for the record, I saw 2 Double Dare teams and representatives from every team on Legends of the Hidden Temple. This group had that something extra... that's right... IT'S A SLICE OF THE AGGRO CRAG! They actually made their own piece of Crag. In my opinion that attention to detail gives them the right to tower over the Pantheon of Nickelodeon Game Show costumes and take their rightful place as king.

Best Pretentious Film Nerd Costume: A Clockwork Orange


Not the only Alexander DeLarge we saw that night, but this one definitely had the creepy smile down.

Best Costume Combo: Swine Flu and Elderly Walmart Employee


I think both of these are so creative, the only thing that makes them better is that they were there together... as a couple... an Elderly Walmart Employee and an Elderly Walmart Employee's worst fear.

Best Costume That Can Double as an Outfit for Scientology Protests: V


This guy was head to toe legit... and once again ENGLAND PREVAILS!

Best Costume Based on Vh1: Brett Michaels


You better believe I got a picture with Brett Michaels, and yes I will stay on this tour and continue to be your Rock of Love... but only if there are relays and powderpuff football games involved.

Best Costume That Could Totally Be Confused for Something Even Better: ?


Okay when I first saw this one, I was hoping against all hope that he was dressed as Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and would maybe grace us with a selection from his Dracula Puppet Musical. "Die! Die! Die!... I can't." Unfortunately he was Mr. Rogers... who sadly never wrote a puppet musical.

Best Costume that WOULD have been relevant 20 years ago... and was also a bad Madonna Movie: Dick Tracy


This dude was majorly creeptacular... we probably should have known. After all, he WAS dressed like Dick Tracy.

Best 80's College Film Reference: Tri Lam


Revenge of the Nerd...y Halloween costume.

Which brings me to my personal fave.

Best Costume Taken from a Hilarious Ad Campaign: The Most Interesting Man in the World


That's right, the Man, the Myth, the Legend, was in Texas this weekend... and he preferred not to be confused for George Clooney.

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!

-Rampaige

Darla of the Dead

Thanks everyone for being so patient. The Festival was a blast! We didn't win anything but it was an honor just to see it on the big screen. I'm still going through all the pictures of costumes but there were some downright creative ones. As soon as I sort out the best I'll post them along with some other fun pics from different spots around Austin.

Darla of the Dead from Paige Wesley on Vimeo.

Dismember the Alamo Part Deux!

Okay, I'll keep this brief, mainly because I'm typing it out on my iPhone (see Heather, I AM important enough to need email and Twitter everywhere I go). I am currently sitting at Southwest Gate 9 at LAX about to get on a plane to Texas to go see the my movie on the big screen for the first time. I feel so fancy its insane.

Anyway, those of you who have been clamoring to see said movie will not have to wait much longer, the film will be posted after the event tonight along with a list of the Top 10 costumes from te event. My original costume idea didn't work out so I'll have to rock the machine gun leg next year... I never miss. As for this year's costume I'm torn between being Harley Quinn or Zombie DJ AM... If anyone feels strongly one way or the other feel free to leave it in the comment section.

Again, a big thank you to everyone who's been so supportive... And willing to cover themselves in Karo Syrup in the name of Art. And a big apology to Kellen whose name is wrong in the credits. If you guys are nice I might post the first 10 pages of my new script.

Til tonight, live long and prosper,
Rampaige

Dismember the Alamo!

Hey Everybody!

Okay so it is officially 11:37am. Now those of you who know me well are probably thinking, "Paige, what in God's name are you doing up before the crack of noon?" Good question. Well, as it just so happens I was awoken this morning by a phone call from Texas (they're 2 hours ahead, so it was almost noon there) telling me that they will be screening my short film "Darla of the Dead" at their Dismember the Alamo: Zombie Short Film Festival on Halloween night.

Needless to say, I danced around the room in my jammies for quite some time.

Then I realized, there's a list that I haven't done... yeah, I couldn't believe it either. In honor of my upcoming festival debut, here are my top 5 favorite Zombie Movies.

Shaun of the Dead


I know that I go on and on about this movie ad nauseum but seriously it is one of my faves. Not only is it amazingly hilarious and acted beautifully by the illustrious Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, but it's also legitimately scary at points. It's incredibly difficult to be funny and scary at the same time, but Shaun of the Dead does it with the finesse of that guy from Vh1's the pick up artist, and for that it earns my top spot.

Planet Terror


aka: The awesome half of Grindhouse

Oh no she di-int. Yeah, I totally did. I will be the first to admit to my die hard Tarantino fandom, but even I cannot deny that Planet Terror was totally my favorite of the two. This movie has everything. Zombies, Machine Gun Legs, and Fergie... being eated by a Zombie. Moreover, I am totally dressing up like Cherry Darling for the festival.

Dead Alive


Before Peter Jackson was known for respectable Oscar Winning films like Lord of the Rings... he made Dead Alive... for about $11 total. This movie is disgustingly hilarious, between Zombie babies, Kung Fu inclined Ministers, and haunted household appliances, it's no wonder that the film culminates with the main character strapping a lawnmower to his chest and walking through a Zombie hoarde.

Evil Dead II


Groovy.

It would be impossible to make a list of Zombie Films without mentioning the one, the only, the master, Bruce Campbell. Much like Dead Alive, the Evil Dead films were directed by Sam Raimi, now famous for films like Spiderman... but once famous for attaching a chainsaw to a character's hand for easy Zombie dismemberment. I think the most hilarious thing about Evil Dead II is that essentially it's a remake of Evil Dead I... they just had more money this time... and they gave Bruce Campbell a chainsaw for a hand. See Also, Army of Darkness, the final and arguably least frightening film in the Evil Dead franchise, sure fire laughs and chainsaw hands abound.

The Matrix


Let's face it, Keanu's practically a Zombie anyway, we should just make it official, and Carrie Anne Moss should totally have a machine gun for a leg.

I'm on the Fence About...

Plan 9 From Outer Space


Where would midnight movie screenings be today without Ed Wood?

See that guy in the back covering his face? Yeah, that's because Bella Lugosi died after only filming a few scenes of the film, and rather than scrap the project or re-film Lugosi's scenes, Wood decided it was just better to hire a new guy and have him cover his face the whole time... Good Plan Ed.

Zombieland


Don't get me wrong, it was great. I just find it hard to resist the temptation of comparing it to my #1.

Night of the Living/Dawn of the Dead

Without George A. Romero's commentary on Human Society, we wouldn't have the modern zombie film... I just couldn't decide which one to put on the list, so here's both.

Well, that's all for now. I'm off to go celebrate.

Removing the Head and Destroying the Brain,
Rampaige

Working, Shopping, and TV, Oh my!

Buckle up, this might get kind of long...

My screenwriting prof kinda ripped me a new one today, and I would be mad about it... if he wasn't totally right. No comment stings more than, "I know you are capable of writing a better story than this." Glad to know you thought so highly of me... up until you read this assignment.

But I digress, tonight as I was putting off re-writing my outlines and treatments, I started reading Mindy Kaling's blog "Things I Bought That I Love" at href="http://mindyephron.blogspot.com/">. Mindy is awesome, and I totally look up to her for being one of only 2 women on The Office writing staff, but seriously, she hasn't updated her blog since last April.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone... I haven't uploaded anything since my Dynamite Jones video. What better way to put off writing something then to write something else, right?

Anyway, in totally unrelated news, another one of our managers "left the company," which is a fancy way of saying someone got fired. For those of you playing along at home, that's 3 managers in 4 months. Yeah, wow, I have no personal opinions on whether or not they should have been fired... but I do have opinions about these people... That's right, today's list is TV Characters Who Should Be Fired. I've actually had this list for a while, and never put it up, but, here goes...

The Simpsons: Homer Simpson


Homer Jay Simpson: Safety Inspector at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, sector 7G.

On The Simpsons, Homer is shown multiple times AT work... but never really DOING any work. Mostly just eating donuts and causing the occasional meltdown. Riddle me this Batman, if you lived in the shadow of a giant Nuclear plant, as all the residents of Springfield do; would you really want a man who at one time prayed to a waffle, manning the controls? Yeah, me neither.

Futurama: Dr. Zoidberg


I'm not sure exactly what kind of Doctor Zoidberg is, but he's definitely not the kind who should be treating humans. More importantly, why is there a doctor working at what is essentially Intergalactic UPS?

The Office: Kelly Kapoor


Let's see, Jim, Dwight, Stanley, Phyllis, Andy, and now Pam are all Salespeople. Angela, Oscar, and Kevin work in accounting. Toby's the HR Rep, Ryan's a temp, and Kelly is... Kelly is... uhhh...

Yeah, I actually had to do some research on this one and I learned that Kelly is actually Dunder Mifflin's Customer Service Representative, as evidenced by this video.


BJ, we feel your pain. Bonus points to anyone who can figure out what Creed and Meredith do... because I'm still stymied.

Friends: Phoebe


It truly pains me to put this one on the list, because I love Friends and Phoebe is one of my all time faves. But seriously, I can't really think of a more unreliable masseuse. Granted her idea for a Relaxi Taxi is groundbreaking, but she should really stick to what she's best at... music.



The Simpsons: Dr. Nick


Inflammable means flammable? What a country!

That 70's Show: Leo


Leo used to operate the local photo booth... then he kinda worked at the record store... sort of.

Heroes: Matt Parkman


I could wallpaper my condo with the paperwork generated by Matt Parkman's constant abuse of witnesses, not to mention multiple unexplained absences to go do things like, whiping Nathan Petrelli's memory or being kidnapped for use in Mutant Experimentation. How is he still a detective?

Glee: Sue Sylvester


Exhibit A: The scariest cheer coach in the history of forever. I bet she eats cocaine for breakfast.

Some people I'm on the fence about...

The Office: Michael Scott


Yes, yes, I know that Michael is pretty much the cause for every problem the steadfast employees at Dunder Mifflin Scranton face... but he does have flashes of brilliance, and almost everything he does is done with good intentions... sort of.

Well, that's all for now, I know I've left people off the list. I'm sure I could make dozens of lists on this same topic, but for now... I should actually start working on my script. Ta ta for now. I'll be back soon with another post.

Dinkin' Flicka,
Rampaige

Vimeo For The Win!!!

Working audio and all, here's Dynamite Jones the final cut :)

Dynamite Jones from Paige Wesley on Vimeo.

Film Final Rough Cut

Okay, for those of you who had the fortunate experience of being in my final project for my film class this quarter, here's the first peek at the final product. It's still missing some voiceovers and the final credits, it's a little rough but I hope you guys like it all the same :)

Horror Movie Rules: Rule #1 Overkill

Okay, I know I haven't posted in like forever, mainly because I've been filming my awesomesauce Film Final about gold disco boots, but I digress. To make it up to all of you faithful readers I'm coming back with a vengance. So without further ado, I give you the first in a series of posts detailing my favorite horror movie cliches, the first being...

Overkill

over·kill
* Pronunciation: \ˈō-vər-ˌkil\
* Function: noun

1 : a destructive capacity greatly exceeding that required for a given target
2 : an excess of something (as a quantity or an action) beyond what is required or suitable for a particular purpose
3 : killing in excess of what is intended or required

Ever heard the expression that anything worth doing is worth doing well? No one knows that better than horror films.

Example 1: The Overlook (or Overkill) Hotel
I had the pleasure of seeing a midnight showing of Stanley Kubrick's The Shining recently and I noticed something. Steven King, the author of the book on which the film is based, must have been dead set on the Overlook Hotel being quite possibly the most evil/cursed/haunted place on the face of the earth. Look at the facts... the Overlook Hotel was...

1. Built on an Indian Burial Ground
2. Secluded in the mountains, to ensure maximum isolation syndrome for the caretakers.
3. The site of a heinous murder in the 70's
4. Overseen by a psychic cook.
5. Most definitely haunted.

Okay, built on an Indian Burial Ground AND the site of a gruesome murder AND impossibly far from civilization? Seriously? All three? Really? It reminds me of that Friends episode where Phoebe plays with Monica's dollhouse and claims it has an attic ghost from being built on an Indian Burial Ground AND a giant radioactive dog because it was also built on a former Nuclear Power Plant.

You might be thinking that this is a one time incident... but you would be oh so wrong. King made similar claims about the house in his miniseries Rose Red. For those of you unfamiliar with Rose Red, or it's real life counterpart, the Winchester Mystery House, here's the skinny...

1. Built on an Indian Burial Ground
2. Constructed by a crazy lady to be a veritable maze of terror because she believed she was being pursued by ghosts, not surprising considering...
3. The Seance Room, which came in handy with her...
4. Maid from the Bahamas who practiced Voodoo, who was present when...
5. A little girl disappeared in the house, just like...
6. A famous actress also disappeared in the house, right next to the kitchen where...
7. Their uncle hung himself in front of the children.

There's even more, but why? Number 1 is enough reason for that house to have more ghosts than fangirls at a Twilight convention. Oh wait, now I remember... OVERKILL. Just making sure that there is no possible way for the house to be anything less than utterly terrifying.

Example 2: Just Keep Shaving
Also known as the gross out factor. This is the point in a movie where the filmmaker literally goes out of their way to make their film, bloodier, gorier, and in some cases awesomer.

I hate to beat a dead horse and I know that reference Cabin Fever all the time... but seriously let me set the scene for you. It's the end of the movie, nearly everyone's infected, and one of the remaining damsels in distress decides to shower in infected water... and shave her legs. As she shaves, her skin is literally falling off her legs... but she KEEPS SHAVING! Now what's wrong with this scene...

1. You're about to die and you decide to spend some of your last moments... in a shower? Shaving your legs? Really? Really?
2. Showers, as most of us know, use water... the same water carrying the disease. And you want to bathe in it? Really?
3. And in this moment of peril, you want to... shave your legs? Seriously?
4. Then once your skin is falling off you want to... keep shaving?

Here's a clue... STOP SHAVING! For those of you who've seen the film, you'll note a pattern of this kind of behavior. Other examples include...

1. Rider Strong performing a "Mercy Killing" with a shovel... while he's holding a gun.
2. Lighting a dying hobo on fire... again while holding a gun.
3. Hitting a deer and having it's legs shoot through the windshield and spurt blood.
4. Death via. Harmonica

Of course Cabin Fever is not the only film guilty of this rule. Zombie movies are some of the worst culprits, and even thrillers chime in once in a while, take Se7en for example. Killing someone by force feeding them til they burst? Terrifying. 6 more gruesomely creative murders... overkill... literally. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Finally...

Example 3: Why won't you die?
Jason Vorhees, Michael Meyers, Jigsaw, Predator, heck even Terminator... why the heck won't they DIE! Sequels! That's why. Consider Jason Vorhees for example...


There are 12, yes 12, films in the Friday the 13th series and Jason has been killed and resurrected multiple times. For those of you keeping track.

1. Jason supposedly drowned whilst attending Camp Crystal Lake as a child
2. He was stabbed with a machete
3. Killed as a result of an axe wound to the head.
4. Attacked and killed by his neighbor Tommy.
5. Resurrected using a fencepost as a lightning rod.
6. Chained to a boulder and left at the bottom of Crystal Lake
7. Resurrected by a psychic
8. Drowned in the lake again
9. Resurrected by an underwater electrical cable
10. Melted by toxic sewer waste
11. Resurrected again... not really explained how.
12. Killed in FBI sting
13. Manages to pass his black heart on to another being
14. Resurrected by his sister and niece
15. Stabbed with a mystical dagger, and subsequently dragged to hell
16. Unexplained resurrection
17. Cryogenically frozen and taken to space, then ejected onto Earth 2
18. Resurrected by Freddy Krueger
19. Supposedly... finally killed... until the next sequel.

Yeah... Consider this also, the 10th film in the Halloween series came out yesterday. OVERKILL

Well, that's all for now :) I'll be back with another Horror rule in the next few days.

Laterz,
Rampaige

The Lazy Blogger's Post Generator

Cake Wrecks posted a link to this site on Twitter so I thought I'd give it a try, it turned out rather Hilarious if I do say so myself.

So here goes...

Holy Blog Of Doom, Batman! I just got slapped with a wet salmon - really - I have not updated this since people stopped clapping and Tinkerbell died... You would not believe the fairy dust I have to clean up. My bad...

I am totally exhausted with setting fire to people wearing Crocs, learning to speak Japanese, and just generally being the life of the party to anyone unfortunate enough to cross my path. My day seems to be a litany of stuff and giggles from the second I am woken by murderous Teletubbies to sun down and beyond. I am totally loving it, dudes. I need a nap.

I swear on the bones of my ancestors I will update you with my nefarious activities as soon as I get a chance. Truly! Unless of course the pool with the cocktail bar is heated!.

If you guys want to try it out for yourselves, here's the link...

href="http://www.aussiebloggers.com.au/blogpost.html">

Links of Horror!

I know I haven't posted in a bleam and for that... I am sorry. But I'm going to make it up to you, I promise.

Whilst perusing the interwebs this evening I came across a short film so amazingly hilarious, it had to be shared. However, a word to the wise. There is quite a bit of harsh language and this film is quite literally a blood bath, and by blood bath I mean there was literally enough blood in each scene to fill a bathtub. Multiple bathtubs in fact.

You are about to experience... TREEVENGE!

For years, we've cut down mighty trees to fit our cruel holiday tradition, now the time has come for the trees to get even, the time has come for them to CUT US DOWN! How do you like them apples?

I'm not quite sure what's funnier, the fact that the filmmakers actually made this film, or that it's a followup to their previous film... wait for it... HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN!

Prepare to experience excellence.

href="http://www.screenjunkies.com/movienews/treevenge-al-gores-fantasy-horror-movie">

Paige Vs. The Camera: European Edition

Okay, so I've been trying to post for 3 days and if it's not internet connectivity issues than it's something else. I promise I have hilarious pictures and ridiculousness to put up, but at the moment, my camera won't upload to my computer and the post wouldn't be complete without it.

So... What you have to look forward to, when I get the camera working, is....

-A photo collection of hilarious signs from throughout Europe. Featuring the Ho Ho House in Wells, Somerset.

-A photo tour of the city where they filmed Hot Fuzz. Including pictures of me standing on the spot of my #5 Favorite Movie Death of all time... no lie.

-Erin trying to wreck my pictures of Stonehenge... and succeeding

-Fun with Billy Shakespeare around Stratford Upon Avon... Fun Fact, Billy Shakespeare... wrote a whole bunch of sonnets. Source: LFO.

Hopefully I'll be able to get a post up when we get back into London next week. Until then, Cheers!

-Rampaige

Paige vs. Boredom: Retail Edition

I'm working over 30 hours this week because they're trying to squeeze all the hours they can out of me before I leave for the UK. What I've realized during these insanely long hours is... there is nothing to do in that frickin' store.

Seriously, I took pricetags off stuff and put new identical ones on, just so I would have something to do. It's not like my apartment where distractions are a dime a dozen...


Oh, so many sweater covered forms...

But I digress, as a result of my intense boredom, I've compiled this list. A list of things to do when you find yourself bored out of your mind whilst toiling part time at a soul sucking retail enterprise.

1. Switch name tags with a co-worker, preferably one of a different gender.


Today I was "Jeff" for approximately 5 hours. Only one person noticed... then I realized he'd only read my name tag whilst staring at my chest. Another fun name game is to change the pronunciation, take this exchange for example...

Customer: Why that is a nice blender, I'll take it. Thank you, (squints and peers at name tag) Paige.

Paige: Actually it's Pa-hay. It's Spanish.

Also feel free to try, "Pa-ee-jay, it's a family name."

2. Look for products with hilarious names or directions.


For those of you playing along at home, yes... that does say "Either thrust slowly or use safety device." I recommend both... when using mandolins.

3. Find the most ridiculous item in the store... and see how many people you can sell it to.


What's that you say? You don't need an avocado slicer? Well, imagine this scenario if you will...

You're driving along with your family trying to peel and pit your avocado with a paring knife. All of a sudden the kids are yellin' from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom Daddy!"

"Not now dammit!"

Truck Tire! "I can't stop!!! ITS A CLIFF!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! OHHH MY GOD WE'RE BURNING ALIVE! OHHH I CANT FEEL MY LEGS!"

Here comes the meat wagon! (wee ooo wee ooo wee ooo) The medic gets out and says "Oh My God!" The new guy's over on the corner pukin' his guts out, (barfing sounds). All because you wanted to save a few pennies...

Customer: We'll take two.

Me: Is the receipt in the bag okay?

4. Stare intently at an odd part of a customer's body until they notice...

This is guaranteed to freak people out and it's awesome.

Customer: Is there something on my wrist? You keep staring at it...

Me: (Confused expression)

Customer: I'll take 2 avocado slicers please.

Babymaker 3000

Okay, so Erin was kind enough to introduce me to pretty much the most amazing thing on the internet since yearbooking yourself. At RoutanBabymaker3000 you can combine your picture with anyone... AND MAKE A DIGITAL BABY! It's basically the creepiest digital childthingcreature ever, but it's still amazing. So of course, I decided to see what my kids would look like if they had some famous babydaddies.

SO! Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to vote on the best baby, and give me a heads up on who I should be popping out some kids with, lol.

Christian Bale


Batman anyone? No? How about Aquaman?

Michael Phelps



Now some of you might be saying, "Paige... really? Gorgeous actors and olympic medalists? Let's get a little more realistic here... You're right

Brett Michaels
Say my life takes a drastic turn and I end up on a certain reality show that may or may not take place on a bus with an army of skanks...



Or say I wanted to have a baby with someone who already kind of looks like one...

Michael Cera



Okay, time to get down to some serious business... Future member of Sarmy anyone?

Zachary Quinto



But there's even more awesome where that came from... New Spock, meet Original Spock.

Leonard Nimoy



First of all, let me just say, those are the most amazing mutton chops I've seen in a long time. Secondly... fair is fair.

The Shat



You know what though, there are some problems even Captain Kirk can't solve. I mean, what would he do faced with a plane full of monkey fighting snakes, on a Monday to Friday plane?

Samuel L. Jackson



Now of course, I wouldn't hog all the fun for myself... Here's what the spawn of Merrissa and George Takei would look like...