Chick Flicks by Numbers

Most of you who know me personally know how I feel about chick flicks. Especially those of the Jane Austenish Love Story Variety.

Well, recently Ricky and I watched one such film, (don’t ask why, the explanation isn’t nearly as interesting as you’d think) and we were able to predict the ending after only 20 minutes.

That’s right, 20 minutes. Those movies are THAT predictable. How predictable you ask… well let me show you, starting with...

The Main Character and her Family

- The Writer:
A girl from a poor family who likes to read/write to a degree that is inappropriate for their gender/age/social status etc. She must also have a snarky disposition about love and everything vaguely associated with marriage… this is essential.



- The Gold Digger:
Usually the Writer's mother or her sister. This character will stop at nothing to marry off their children, or in the case of the sister, themselves to the highest bidder/local nobleman/rich relative.

- The Family Embarrassment:
Be it the eccentric father, the doddering grandmother, or the inappropriate younger sibling, they serve as comic relief and to further shame the already poor and socially unacceptable family.

- The Other Siblings:
They're not really important... unless they can be married off.

But of course there wouldn't be a story without another group of people... we'll call them...

The Love Interests

- The New Guy in Town:
He's rich and most likely of noble blood, but most importantly he, like the Writer, is disenchanted with love and will have snarky/flirty debates about it. His mother will stop at nothing to make sure he doesn't marry someone of lower standing or worse, poor.



- The New Guy in Town's Friend/Brother:
He's got the New Guy's best interests at heart, or so he thinks. His main function is to deter gold diggers... or failing that, to marry them before the New Guy gets a chance.

- The Attractive Family Friend/Hired Help:
He either lives with the Writer or at the very least, he lives next door. He's disproportionately attractive for his line of work/social status, he also spends a lot of time shirtless or in a white tank.



He just so happens to be friends with the Writer or one of her sisters... scandal and potential outdoor/library/rainy/barn makeout scenes ensue.



Let the story begin...

The Writer and her poor family are running out of money, unless they come up with some cash soon they will lose their house/castle/mansion/farm. Lucky for them, who should show up but the New Guy who happens to be conveniently rich and single.

The New Guy calls on the family for tea/dinner/cocktail party. The Writer and/or the Family Embarrassment wrecks everything. The Gold Digger is distraught. The New Guy's Friend tells the New Guy that the family is socially unacceptable/only interested in him for the money.

Meanwhile, the Writer is kind of disgusted with the New Guy's riches. Writer/Extra Sibling starts to get a little more serious with the Hired Hand/Family Friend. The Gold Digging sister marries someone for money and not love... it is the scandal of the town. New Guy insults the Writer by pointing it out.

For an inexplicable reason, Writer falls for New Guy. Hired Hand/Family Friend makes his move... Writer/Extra Sibling turns him down. Hired Hand/Family Friend goes to London/America and gets rich or gets sent off to war and dies.



If this is a Movie based on a Jane Austen book:
Writer and New Guy get married and live happily ever after.

If this is a Movie based on a book by anyone else:
Writer dies a spinster.

If this is Jane Austen's actual life:
Writer dies a spinster.

Don't Believe me? Well spoilers ahead...

Becoming Jane: Writer falls for a rich guy... she dies a spinster

Atonement: Writer's sister falls for the Hired Hand/Family Friend... she dies a spinster.

Little Women: Writer turns down the Hired Hand/Family Friend... she ends up with a professor, let's face it, she'll die a spinster.

I Capture the Castle: Writer turns down the Hired Hand/Family Friend in favor of the New Guy... she still dies a spinster.

If anyone ever wonders why I'm not a fan of these movies... chalk it all up to the fact that I like writing... and I don't want to die a spinster.

Birthday Postage

So... at 2:10 this morning I turn 22. I figured one of the best ways to celebrate the occasion was to pick some of my fave movies from the past 22 years. Enjoy!...

1987: Princess Bride
This is one of my all time favorite movies and lo and behold it came out the year I was born. Coincidence... I think NOT!

1988: Bloodsport
I'm a sucker for a terrible Van Damme movie... especially when Karate Competitions are involved.

1989: The Little Mermaid
Believe it or not this was the first movie I ever saw in theaters.

1990: Edward Scissorhands
The last time I went to get my car's oil changed, this movie was on in the waiting room... I voluntarily sat in that waiting room for an extra half an hour to finish it.

1991: Beauty and the Beast
My favorite Disney movie of all time.

1992: Resevoir Dogs
Making Mexican Standoffs cool since '92

1993: So I Married an Axe Murderer
I love this movie and I quote it way more than I'd like to admit.

1994: Pulp Fiction
ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME!

1995: Clueless / A Goofy Movie
This was a really tough decision for me. On the one hand, I have an unabashed love for teen films. On the other hand, the Goofy Movie pretty much shaped my childhood... so I decided to go with both.

1996: That Thing You Do!
I have never met a person who dislikes this movie, mainly because it's awesome and it has one of my favorite soundtracks ever.

1997: Liar Liar
The CLAW!!!

1998: The Wedding Singer
I love this movie! I've seen it on Broadway, and I will literally stop and watch it ANY time it's on tv, no matter what.

1999: The Mummy / She’s All That
The Mummy was the first, pseudo-horror film I ever saw, and She's All That is one of my fave teen films of the late 90's.

2000: High Fidelity
I am super neurotic about my music... thank goodness someone else is too.

2001: Head Over Heels
"I'ma gonna have red beans for dinner."

2002: My Big Fat Greek Wedding
This movie was awesome, until the dawning realization that it will someday be my future.

2003: Cabin Fever / Kill Bill Vol.1
My go-to awesomely bad horror movie and the good half of Tarantino's Kung Fu epic came out in the same year... I know, I couldn't believe it either.

2004: Mean Girls / Alexander / Shaun of the Dead
Yet another awesome year for film. Now most of you are probably wondering why the hell Alexander is on this list. Let's be honest... that movie is sucktacular. However, it was the first R rated movie I saw in theaters after turning 17 (Thanks Vanessa for experiencing that horror by my side) it's also the first and only time I've ever seen audience participation spontaneously happen. In stead of leaving, people started cat calling and throwing stuff at the screen Rocky Horror style.

2005: Sin City
Freaking awesome, V for Vendetta also came out this year... also freaking awesome.

2006: Snakes on a Plane
Enough is Enough! I have had it with these Monkey Fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!

2007: Grindhouse / Juno / Atonement
The Perfect Storm of movie years... fo reals. Also my first year of film school.

2008: Slumdog Millionaire
Superfantastic... one of my fave oscar winners of all time.

2009: Inglourious Basterds
Dude, like you didn't see it coming, this was TOTES my movie of the year.

Lucy in DISGUISE! Paige's 2009 Halloween Costume Awards.

Let me start by saying that I applaud everyone who dressed up this year, because nothing is lamer than the dude standing next to a houseplant at a party wearing a shirt that says, "This is my Costume." What it should say is, "This is the limit of my creativity." Costumes are AWESOME.

All that being said... I was sadly disappointed at the costumes people wore to the film festival, about 80% of the audience were dressed as zombies, and not the creative kind either. They were dressed as the "I put on dirty clothes and used red sharpie on my face for blood" Zombies. Lame... but MAD PROPS to the chick who dressed up as Rufio, ma'am, you are my hero.

Due to the lack of awesome film fest costumes, my sorority sister, Julia, and I ventured downtown to 6th street to see the costumes there. They did not disappoint. So without further ado, I'd like to present some awards, to the people whom I thought went above and beyond...

Best Obscure Cartoon Reference: Powdered Toast Man


Apparently in Texas they didn't grow up with Ren and Stimpy because like NO ONE knew who this guy was supposed to be. Which makes me a sad panda. I think the only obscure super hero that would be a BETTER costume would be to go as Arnie... STRONGEST MAN... in the world. And if you're gonna be Arnie, you really have to commit. If anyone dressed as Arnie this year PLEASE send me a picture. I will totes post it. If not, then someone PLEASE go as Arnie next year, I can't believe it's taken me this long to think of it.

Best Nickelodeon Game Show Team: GUTS!


Okay, for the record, I saw 2 Double Dare teams and representatives from every team on Legends of the Hidden Temple. This group had that something extra... that's right... IT'S A SLICE OF THE AGGRO CRAG! They actually made their own piece of Crag. In my opinion that attention to detail gives them the right to tower over the Pantheon of Nickelodeon Game Show costumes and take their rightful place as king.

Best Pretentious Film Nerd Costume: A Clockwork Orange


Not the only Alexander DeLarge we saw that night, but this one definitely had the creepy smile down.

Best Costume Combo: Swine Flu and Elderly Walmart Employee


I think both of these are so creative, the only thing that makes them better is that they were there together... as a couple... an Elderly Walmart Employee and an Elderly Walmart Employee's worst fear.

Best Costume That Can Double as an Outfit for Scientology Protests: V


This guy was head to toe legit... and once again ENGLAND PREVAILS!

Best Costume Based on Vh1: Brett Michaels


You better believe I got a picture with Brett Michaels, and yes I will stay on this tour and continue to be your Rock of Love... but only if there are relays and powderpuff football games involved.

Best Costume That Could Totally Be Confused for Something Even Better: ?


Okay when I first saw this one, I was hoping against all hope that he was dressed as Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and would maybe grace us with a selection from his Dracula Puppet Musical. "Die! Die! Die!... I can't." Unfortunately he was Mr. Rogers... who sadly never wrote a puppet musical.

Best Costume that WOULD have been relevant 20 years ago... and was also a bad Madonna Movie: Dick Tracy


This dude was majorly creeptacular... we probably should have known. After all, he WAS dressed like Dick Tracy.

Best 80's College Film Reference: Tri Lam


Revenge of the Nerd...y Halloween costume.

Which brings me to my personal fave.

Best Costume Taken from a Hilarious Ad Campaign: The Most Interesting Man in the World


That's right, the Man, the Myth, the Legend, was in Texas this weekend... and he preferred not to be confused for George Clooney.

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!

-Rampaige

Darla of the Dead

Thanks everyone for being so patient. The Festival was a blast! We didn't win anything but it was an honor just to see it on the big screen. I'm still going through all the pictures of costumes but there were some downright creative ones. As soon as I sort out the best I'll post them along with some other fun pics from different spots around Austin.

Darla of the Dead from Paige Wesley on Vimeo.